


drowning in the dark

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low, Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abusive Parents, Addictions, Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Hell, Alternate Universe- High School, Angst, Anxiety, Attachment Issues, Bands, Bullying, Concerts, Denial, Depression, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gerard is scared, Guitars, Here's a piece of my soul, Homophobia, Hurt, I'm Sorry, Implied/Past Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Loneliness, Loss of Control, Loss of family members, M/M, Mikey Is Older Than Gerard, Multi, Music, Oh yeahhh ummm, Panic Attacks, Parties, Patrick and Pete are pining for each other, Photography, Piano, Ray and Joe are guitar geeks, Relapses, Religion, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Assault, Sobriety, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, They're all a mess, Trust Issues, Unreliable updates, also on Wattpad, also there will be references to anything really, headphones, high school sucks in general tbh, learning how to trust, lmao what soul, not laughing, sorry i didnt even know that au - hell was like an actual tag wow aha, sorry i mean high school lmao, stay safe frens, take care of yourselves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-31 22:48:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 40
Words: 26,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12691761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Gerard Way is falling apart, he's screaming for help but no one can hear him.Not over the screaming shadows, his classmates laughter, the loudness of his music and the static in his head.No one can hear him, no one can see him.Until someone finally lets Gerard hold onto them, and that person stays with him.{previously titled : (it’s best this way) i’m used to being left behind}





	1. save me tonight

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back!
> 
> I don't have an update plan, just know that i'll try to update as regularly as possible.  
> Hope you all like the first chapter, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated and mean the world! <3
> 
> TW: self harm, past self harm, suicidal thoughts

****The kid was still awake.

Gerard liked to wander the city, alone at night, with just the music blasting through his headphones and his camera round his neck. He would snap pictures of uneven yet uniform skylines. He would snap photos of anything, as long as the click of the camera and the pulse of the music in his ears was with him, then he would stay.

He was wearing his faded Batman hoodie, the grey sleeves yanked over his arms. Even though they had faded into scars, the lines were still there. And he hated himself for that so badly. These days, he avoided wearing t-shirts as much as he possibly could, he would always make sure the sleeves of his jumper, or jacket were covering his forearms. His scarf was tight around his neck, fingers trembling from the cold air around him.

* * *

Gerard found that most days, it was sadly ironic, he would much rather throw himself off a bridge than hurt his parents more than he already was.

He didn’t want them to worry when they already had so much to worry about.

He’d gotten used to the constant bullying at school. He’d gotten used to his peers humiliating him, making him do presentations that he had constantly said no to, presentations that made him panic, made him stutter, made him quiet. Gerard had grown accustomed to the laughter and with that the screams that he was **_fucking worthless_** only grew louder and louder. He’d gotten used to all the talking behind his back, to the rumours being spread.

He didn’t want them to worry, that’s all. But he knew it was selfish of him to want that.

He wanted to protect them, that was why he hid his blades in a box on his dresser, that was why he wrote constantly, why his guitar was always by his side. It was so he wouldn’t relapse, it was so he no longer wore all his fear and hurt and feelings upon the raw skin of his left wrist.

The Smiths soft lyrics trickled through his earphones, only the music and clicks of the camera could momentarily weaken the tornado in his head.

* * *

His phone pinged, pausing the song.

_**1:45am, Moikes:** gee, where are you? Mum’s freaking out, you need to come home, please, i’m responsible for you_

_**1:46am, gway:** mikey, i’m not ready yet, please give me more time_

_**1:47am, Moikes:** mum said that if you don’t get back soon, she’ll take your camera._

* * *

“Fuck, not the camera.” Gerard whispered, throat raw and voice croaky from the cigarette gripped tightly in between his shaking, calloused fingers.

**_YOU’RE NOTHING_ **

Why was it so loud tonight? He cried silently, turning the music up even louder and stuffing his camera into the bag swung around his torso.

Hurrying into the station, lungs burning, he finally collapsed into the plastic bench on the rickety train. He sat by himself, alone. Gerard was still crying, hastily rubbing at his eyes, scratching furiously at the healing, yet still sore red lines on the pale skin of his wrist.

Cursing himself under his breath. Shit, did he hate himself. 

And, goddamnit, did Gerard know all too well that he didn’t deserve to be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from tonight by tyler joseph


	2. until the light goes out on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard isn't the only who isn't okay
> 
> Tw: self harm

The minutes blurred by as Gerard held his head in his hands, muttering incessantly under his breath as he felt his heart race and the anxiety in his veins.

The train came to a hesitant stop at the empty platform.

* * *

On unsteady legs, G stumbled off the train. Mikey was waiting for him. He looked like he’d been crying. 

“Hey baby bro,” Mikey whispered softly, “Let's get you home.”

Gerard wrapped his arms around his older brother’s waist. “I'm sorry.” He whimpered into Mikey’s ear. Mikey nodded in acknowledgement.

* * *

"First, I need to check.” Gerard flinched as Mikey took his forearms in his hands.  
“Please don’t.”  
Mikey shook his head sadly. “Come on Gee, we’ve talked about this.”

Gerard nodded, heart pounding so loudly he was scared his elder brother could hear it from behind his ribcage. The oldest Way boy rolled up his brother’s grey, worn, sleeves.

To his dismay and sadness, there were fresh, still bleeding red cuts running up Gerard's forearm. Stark against his pale skin.

* * *

“Why kiddo, why?” Mikey bit his lip, crying gently as he wiped Gerard's tears away.

“I deserve it Mikey.” Gerard's voice was empty, as he curled up tighter towards his brother. They walked down the silent, deserted street to their home with only flickering street lights to guide them.

“You don't deserve that G, nobody does.”  
Mikey kissed his brother’s forehead roughly. Gerard giggled, a small smile on his face as he playfully pushed Mikey away. 

They walked next to one another in a comfortable silence, one Gerard broke when he suddenly burst into tears.

“I'm sorry!” Gerard shouted, voice cloudy and croaked with tears. 

Mikey ran to hold his baby brother tighter than he already was. Shushing him, he gently asked. “What are you apologising for Geebear?”

He gestured helplessly at himself. “I'm a fucking mess Mikey!”  
The blonde looked to his red-haired brother. “You're not the only mess, baby bro, believe me.”

* * *

Gerard stopped. Wordlessly, he helped his nervous older brother up the stairs. “I'm so bloody selfish!”

Mikey exhaled, “You're not, OK? You're not Gee. Can you stay here tonight? I can't fight them off alone.”

The younger boy nodded and fell onto his brother's bed, watching him drift to sleep. “I love you Mikes.”

Mikey yawned, dark bruises under his usually cheerful eyes.

"I love you too G.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from until the light goes out on me by electric century


	3. the record won't stop skipping, the lies just won't stop slipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't want to go.  
> He needs them to stay, but they always leave.  
> Even though they love him
> 
> TW: implied/referenced self harm

Mikey’s alarm was screaming at the two boys to wake up.

* * *

Gerard ran long fingers through his hair and staggered to the bathroom, groaning all the way. “Morning.” He muttered, absolutely exhausted, doubting his brother or mother could hear him.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't like what he saw, he never did after all.  Gerard was trying to tame his mad hair all ruffled by sleep, but his hair was too stubborn this morning. The sleeves of the sweater he'd unintentionally fallen asleep in had bundled up to his elbows, fresh scars and cuts on display. “Well fuckity fuckity fuck fuck.” He cursed, chuckling lifelessly. 

He heard rapid knocks on the bathroom door.

“Come on Gee, hurry up, we’re going to be late and I need to brush my teeth!” His brother moaned, exasperated. 

“Ok, Mikes! Be out there in a second!” Gerard replied, biting his lip over and over as he reached into the cabinet for a fresh box of plasters, in case he needed them. 

Gerard opened the door and Mikey hurried in, “Come on kid, get dressed, we’re leaving in 10 minutes.” Mikey’s words fell over each other as he hurried to put some toothpaste on his brush. Gerard was still standing there. The older boy raised his hands helplessly in silent confusion. The red-haired boy’s eyes widened and he hurried to yank on some black skinny jeans.

* * *

“Shit, sorry Mikes!” He yelled down the hallway. Fumbling with his leather jacket, he pulled it on. Sighing hopelessly, he gently placed his blades, wrapped in toilet roll, into his pocket. Wildly searching his desk, he found his slightly healthier tool and slipped the rubber band over his wrist.

Gerard dashed down the stairs, Black Flag shirt all crumpled. Mikey was waiting, holding up a note from their mother. “Mum won’t be home until late. I’ve got to see Ray tonight so I’m gonna let you go out this evening.”

* * *

Mikey and Gerard had grown up with Ray, he and Mikey had become best friends from the moment they met in the local supermarket, their mums always said they were arguing over the last packet of Oreos or something.

* * *

Then Mikey had come out when he was 17. Gerard had been 14 at the time.

Then their dad had struck Mikey down, screamed at Ray to “get the fuck out of my house!” and left them. He had never come back.

Mikey was 18 now, Gee was only 15.

* * *

Ray’s trusty guitar was always by him, Gee remembered Ray teaching him how to master his voice with the help of the boys’ grandma, Elena. Mikey didn’t ever talk about it, so he and Ray would go away for weeks on end, just to escape their hometown. Mikey was blessed, he was done with school and got to take a year off to relax and apply for colleges.

Gerard knew Mikey didn’t mean to hurt him and he knew it so fucking selfish to want him to stay by him, but when the two lovers went away, it was just Gerard, left to the merciless kids who spat venomous words or looked right through him.

If Gerard was a superhero, his power would be invisibility, but he already had that power after all. Their mother worked in at the local hospital, so Mr and Mrs Toro always kept a close eye on the Way brothers, sometimes they dropped Gee off at hell, but mostly Mikey took his little brother.

* * *

Gerard was crying into Ray’s shoulder, shaking uncontrollably. “Don’t make me go in, please take me away. I need to get out of here, please Ray, please.”

Ray’s heart was breaking, he hated seeing his little bro break down every morning.

“Gee, kiddo, I’m so sorry, but you have to go in, you have to.”

Mikey opened the door for his brother. “Go on, Gee, we’ll see you later, ok?” He kissed his brother’s forehead and hugged him tightly. 

“Take care of yourself G.” Ray smiled sadly.

* * *

Gerard nodded, “I promise.” His fingers were crossed behind his back. It was killing him to lie, but he needed to feel something.

Something other than the constant numbness.

He felt like he was just going through the motions, not living, just existing.

And fuck, he despised himself for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are appreciated, i'm worried this isn't that good ugh xx
> 
> i hope you're all enjoying this though! <3
> 
> chapter title from summer song by fall out boy


	4. if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you never know what someone else is going through  
> try to be at least pleasant to everyone, even it hurts.  
> believe me, i know how hard it is
> 
> tw: mentions of suicide. self-harm. implied self-harm. implied/referenced abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i fuckin love my guitar, its beautiful, it's my baby, it's my therapy <3
> 
> wish i could take it school with me, might later on in the year or something

The boy kept his head down as he walked down the corridor to his first class.

He was gripping the paperback in his hands so tightly that his knuckles were blanched. His messenger bag was slung around his torso, hands shaking as he drummed his calloused fingers on his thigh. 

His guitar, sorry, his baby, was in its black padded case, skeleton keyring hanging from the zip. It sat upon his spinal cord, anchoring him to whatever time it was.

Making sure he was in the now instead stuck in whatever shitty wasteland his mind had created for him. He could their eyes on him, the teachers were always looking at him. He hated it, he hated people making him the centre of attention. Teacher after teacher with the same agonising question: “Are you okay?”

* * *

He always has to lie through his teeth, lying is going to be the death of him after all. Like sorry, what do you think? Seriously?

Gerard always replies with the same, “I’m fine!” and a fake smile along with it. It hurts to know that no one really sees that all he wants to do most days is throw himself off the nearest bridge. Like his brain tells him too after all.

The soothing screams of whatever song he was listening to numbed him to everything around him.

Made the edges of all he saw more defined instead of the constant, haunting, yet almost peaceful blurriness that he saw most days. But it was a good numb, not the bad numb that stuck to him or that reared its head whenever he cried in the school bathrooms, alone at lunch, headphones in, bands screaming their pleas and fury into his head and the razor blade to his pale skin.

* * *

He carefully walks into the classroom, Wentz stuck his foot out and Gerard tried not to show that it bothered him.

But he had seen Pete’s bruises, seen him cry into Patrick Stump’s shoulder in the bathroom - so he didn’t give Pete any shit, even though all the other boy did was scream that Gerard was nothing, that he should just **“fucking slit your wrists you retarded faggot!”**.

So he kept quiet, because everyone always said he was too kind. But G knew the truth, you see, he has absolutely no self-preservation. He doesn’t care about himself because all he wants to do is disappear.

And so he sat down and kept silent. Thoughts whirring about his head as he held his head in his hands, hating himself more than he ever really had done.

But Gerard was so lost in his head, that he hadn’t noticed the new kid staring at the back of his skull.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay safe and alive you guys seriously you are all lighting up so many lives, mine included so thank you for that <3 <3
> 
> chapter title from i found by amber run


	5. but does anyone care?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank doesn't know what to do. So he watches Gee fall apart before his very eyes
> 
> Tw: beating, bullying, homophobia, implied sexual assault

The bell rang for lunch, and Frank Iero internally screamed with relief. Another class over, thank god. His first day was going as okay as it could be. Luckily, he sat behind the most adorable boy in most of his classes, so that was a good thing as far as Frankie was concerned.

The boy in question always had a guitar by his desk, crumpled paperbacks spilling from his well-loved bag, and multiple folded comics sticking out the pockets of his jacket.

And he had the sweetest name.

Gerard Way.

* * *

The lonely boy was hurrying down the corridor, Frank couldn't help but notice how much effort he made to make himself look as small as possible. His shoulders were hunched.

Gee stopped at a locker, his fingers were shaking so badly that he couldn't open it. He was silently crying and it broke Frank’s heart in two.

* * *

Then a boy shoved him. Hard, unnecessarily so.  
Gerard fell to his knees, wincing as the bully grasped his face roughly and struck him. He punched him again.

Gerard was crying and begging, saying he'd do **“anything, I'll do anything, please just stop it!”** The boy sneered at his sobbing victim and shouted, loudly enough for all to hear.

“Go fucking kill yourself, then I'll stop. You see Way? You're nothing!”  
He smirked and yanked Gerard up towards him, pressing his hands on Gerard’s body, he laughed, spitting on his face before he swaggered away.

“Filthy, attention-seeking, whore!”

* * *

Leaving Gerard alone in the corridor, apart from Frank. He called out to the bloody boy, who was going to bruise quite badly on his face, undoubtedly. “Hey, are you okay?” 

Gerard faked a smile to the stranger. “I'm fine!”

* * *

All Frank could do was stand there and watch as Gerard fled to the school bathroom, hastily rubbing at his eyes.

But he'd left his guitar behind.

And Frank knew just how healing music in itself could be.

And so he carefully picked up and swung it onto his back, hurrying after the boy with all the invisible demons in his head.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this by the way! I'll probably update most frequently on the weekends but I'll try to write a couple chapters during the school week and post them. 
> 
> I can't make any promises but there probably will be many chapters because writing is now my therapy more than ever. 
> 
> Love you all and hope you like this story! <3
> 
> chapter title from early sunsets over monroeville by my chemical romance


	6. and will you pray for me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone finally stays.  
> someone understands.
> 
> MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING, writing this made me cry, i need to get me a frank :(  
> writing this chapter hurt me a lot, but it also made me a lil bit happy
> 
> please stay safe please take care of yourselves.  
> youre not alone, i mean, look at me <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SERIOUSLY!! MAJOR!!!!! SELF HARM/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS TRIGGER WARNING STAY SAFE <3
> 
> even though it's really sad, this was therapeutic to write.
> 
> you all have purpose and matter so much |-/

Gerard was leaning against the divider between the cubicles of the bathroom. Panting and breathing heavily. Head hanging. 

The loneliness held onto him, consuming him. And he embraced it.

He tried not to cut too deeply, he never really did after all. Gee usually made thin cuts on the inside of his left wrist, some longer than others.  The longest scar, pale and thin, ran vertically over a bundle of veins under his pale skin, a painful remnant of when all he wanted to do was die and was tempted to. He’d been absolutely, entirely, hopeless. But of course, stupid instinct kicked in and he found himself in the bathroom, dabbing at all his cuts before putting plasters over them. 

But one wasn’t enough, so whimpering softly, due to the soft sting coming from his wrist, he slashed suddenly and reopened scars and healing cuts. Fuck. That hurt. However, at the same time, it didn’t hurt, because he’s accepted that he deserved all this. He deserved the pain because he was just some **_ungrateful piece of shit freak who had no friends._**

But, in one way, he was lying to himself. He did have a few friends, namely Josh, Ty and Joe. But they all went to the local private school, in their lil ties and tailored trousers. They didn’t know he hurt himself. They didn’t need to. After all, they had their own shit that keeps them up at night, so why worry about Gerard when he’s  **fucking F I N E ?** That’s the thing, you see? He knew they cared, they’d shown they did countless times, but he didn’t need to worry them, he didn’t want them to think about him when they had all their own stuff to deal with.

* * *

A gentle knock on the door startled him. “Hey, is this Gee?”

Panic coursing through his veins, Gerard whimpered, quickly stuffing the blade into his pocket. “Yep, who’s asking?” He tried not to let his voice betray him. 

“Um, hi, I’m.. actually it doesn’t matter, you left your guitar behind, just thought I’d give it back to you.” The hurting kid carefully opened the door. 

“Thanks.” 

The corners of the stranger's mouth turned up at his voice. It made Gerard blush, god was he cute. 

“You’re welcome, uh, maybe I’ll see you round?”

Gerard nodded and re-opened the door, Frank could see books piled in his bag, G reached for his guitar and gently let it rest behind his bag. 

“Thanks, seriously.” Gerard gave the stranger a small wave before he turned around, about to fall apart all over again.

* * *

“Wait!” Frank shouted, grabbing Gee’s wrist.

The boy hissed in pain, grimacing, as he flinched at the sudden contact with the fresh cuts. ‘Shit.” Gerard muttered, looking to Frank’s hand around his forearm, then to the boy looking sadly at him. 

“Are you aright? I saw what that kid did to you, that was a shitty move.” Frank shrugged helplessly. 

“It was.” Gerard chuckled, his laugh empty.

“Does it happen a lot?” Frank whispered, voice tinged with concern.

* * *

**_He doesn’t care_ **

**_He’ll just leave you_ **

**_Like everyone else, does you hear me_ **

**_YOU’RE NOTHING_ ** **_  
_ ** **_FUCKING KILL YOURSELF ALREADY_ **

* * *

****“Don’t worry bout me! It does matter, why wouldn’t it? What’s your name?” Gerard raised his eyebrows slightly at the boy in front of him, who had started biting his lip and rubbing his hands together, drumming his fingers on nothing.

Gerard reached out and held the stranger’s hands, tightly.

“Damn,” The anxious kid spoke very softly - careful not to break Gerard, the boy who was obviously not okay, no matter whatever he said. Frank knew. “Your hands are cold as fuck!” He laughed awkwardly.  

Gerard whimpered, dropping Frank’s hands suddenly. “Fuck, I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, shit that must be annoying.”

Frank was even more worried now, Gerard looked like he was about to break down.

“Seriously? Gee, it’s fine,” Gerard smiled weakly in return, giggling quietly. “What’s so funny kid?” Frank smiled, relieved, Gerard smiled too, it was something bright at least. Gerard’s smiles were so bright in stark contrast to the darkness that clung to his shaking form, it killed Frank that no one else saw that something was up with him. That must kill, to think no one cares, when people do, they just don’t know how to express it properly.

“It’s nothing, I like it when you call me Gee I guess. It sounds nice,” Gerard shrugged, unable to explain what he meant, but Frank understood perfectly.

“I’ll ask you again, Mr Anonymous,” Gerard laughed. “What’s your name?”

“Oh!” Frank radiated happiness and relaxation, wow, did Gee wish he could be like the boy beside him. “I’m Frank, Frank Iero.” He held out a hand to Gerard who took it.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Gerard. Gerard Way, though I guess you already knew that.”

* * *

Gerard finally turned away, in a bid to go back into the grey cubicle. Frank looked cautiously at his arms, seeing a few red lines on his skin. Biting his lip, he looked to the beautiful, yet broken boy in front of him.

“Gerard, please don’t hurt yourself. Ever need someone, I’ll listen.” Frank quickly hugged the shaking boy and scrawled his phone number on a scrap of paper, slipping it between Gerard’s bony fingers.

“Frank?” Gerard whimpered, bag around his torso; guitar on his back. “Can, can I get out of here, with you? Please? I- I just can’t do this right now.” He cried, his dam finally breaking.

* * *

Frank nodded. “Come on,” He smiled, hugging the scared, wary boy close to his heart. “Let me take this.” Frank slid the guitar off Gerard’s back.

Gerard shook his head, “Please, don’t take that, it, it keeps me here? You understand that, right?” Gerard gestured helplessly. 

“Yeah,” Frank replied, “I get that, let me get your bag then.” He took the bag from Gerard’s thin frame.

* * *

“You stayed with me?” Gerard asked, almost himself just as much as he was Frank. 

“Yeah, I did. Why do you say that?”

Gerard shook his head, gripping Frank’s hand tightly, trying to stay Here, in the Now. “No reason, just everyone always leaves.”

Frank was heartbroken, who in their right mind would leave this remarkable, utterly brilliant, kid behind? They must be mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from heaven help us by mcr


	7. cover me in gasoline! (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he didn't know his dad dropped by
> 
> tw: homophobic language, implied self harm, abuse, beating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope youre all enjoying this <3
> 
> comments and kudos mean a lot <3 <3
> 
> stay safe you lot, take care of yourselves xoxo

As the two wandered down the empty corridor, Gerard had hastily ran to the office and complained of a ‘cold’. The school were in no mood to say anything, so simply let Gerard leave, with Frank close by his side.  “Do.. do you want to come round to mine?” Gerard softly called out. 

Frank turned to face the quiet boy, he smiled, his most sincere smile in a while. “Yeah, sure Gee, I’d love that.” Gerard smiled. 

“Thank you.” He whispered. 

“Why?” Frank asked, unlocking his car and opening the door for his friend. 

“For staying with me, that’s all.” 

Frank paused. “I’m not going to leave, I promise you.”

Gerard nodded, hands shaking as he buckled his seatbelt and leant over to tap his address into the GPS in Frank’s car. Frank raised his eyebrows. “Awesome! You live opposite me?” 

“Oh. Ohhh! You moved in recently, didn’t you?”  Frank nodded, grinning widely. 

“Yeah we moved up here from New York, you’ve lived here all your life I assume?”

“How can you tell?” Gerard smirked.  Frank cocked his head in confusion. 

“Are you serious? The accent, Gee, the accent.”

“Oh!” Gerard smiled awkwardly. “Sorry!” He laughed.

* * *

They drove on in a comfortable silence, minutes blurring by, before the happy two finally pulled up outside Gerard’s place. “What the fuck?” Gerard whispered.

Frank leaned forward, “What’s going on Gee?” 

“Iero, you stay here ok, give me a second, please.” Gerard demanded, his voice wavered at the end, but Frank stayed put like G had urged him to.

* * *

Gerard had no idea his father had come by. Thank God Mikey and Ray were out together. The red-haired boy hesitantly walked into the front room, his father was staring at him. “Hi Gerard.” 

Gerard eyed his father wearily. “Hi Dad.” His brow was furrowed.

* * *

“Who’s that kid out there?” He hissed, pointing at Frank.

“He’s just a friend, why do you ask?”

Mr Way snapped and stormed up to his son, gripping his chin roughly. Gerard could smell the alcohol on his breath, it was disgusting.

* * *

He flinched away, almost immediately from his father’s scary hands.

He thought this was over. **It should be over. It has to be over. It had to be over, it had to be.**

* * *

“Don’t touch me, don’t you fucking dare come near me! You hear me?” He screamed, terrified now as he backed up against the wall.

“You’re my son, boy. I’ll treat you however I want to. You.. you fucking faggot!”

Gerard laughed, but stopped the moment his father struck him.

Once. The foul man grabbed his son’s wrists and struck him over and over and over as he held his son’s hands above his head, the boy was sobbing and shouting for him to stop. Gerard’s wrists were burning, from the cuts and his father’s merciless grip as Gerard begged for him to fucking get away from him.

* * *

Frank was sitting in the car, scared now.

Gerard was pinned against the wall, by the man Frank assumed was his fucking bastard of a father. That did it. Frank unbuckled his seatbelt and swung his car door open, running up the driveway and into the house.

* * *

Gerard was bleeding, and he looked petrified. Frank ran to his friend’s side, holding him tightly, giving zero fucks that they barely knew each other.

“Who the fuck are you?” The man slurred.

“Dad, stop it, he’s just a friend.”

“Gerard. Don’t lie to me, you stupid boy. **YOU STUPID BOY**!” He was screaming now and Gerard had his hands pressed over his ears, eyes pressed shut. 

Frank stood up on shaky legs, but tried to keep his voice firm and authoritative, for the sake of both of them. “You, get out. Now. Or I’m calling the police.”

“Gerard, boy, I’ll come round again, maybe with some of my friends, then you, oh, you my boy… maybe you won’t wake up. Wouldn’t that be an absolute tragedy?”

Gerard was frozen, tears on his face as he shook even harder.

“GET OUT OF HERE!” Frank Iero screamed, shoving the bastard out of the house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title (again) from heaven help us by my chemical romance


	8. in a sea of sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gerard needs them to know the truth, so they can leave before he hurts them.
> 
> tw: self harm, suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fucking hell, i'm so sorry.
> 
> i thought i was better now, but i guess i fucked up again, like i always do.

Gerard looked over at Frank. “You, you should leave.” His voice was breaking.

“I’m not going anywhere, Gerard, I promised you. I’ve never been one to break promises.” Frank smiled, sadly.

“Please,” Gerard’s voice was heavy with hurt as he wiped his eyes. “Please, just leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that, you see.” Frank went to Gerard, trying to wrap his arms around him, trying to soothe the terrified boy in front of him. 

He flinched away. “Please, just leave me alone.”

Frank looked at Gerard. “Ok.” But, Frank wasn’t to know that he should’ve stayed with his friend, he should’ve led Gee away from his home and into his own.  He should’ve stayed and helped Gee fight all the demons off and hold him close and tight. 

But he wasn’t to know, after all.

* * *

Gerard looked at himself in the mirror, scars stark and visible in the bright light of the bathroom. His razor blade was in his hand, the tornado in his head was the worse it had been in a while.  He examined himself, despising every part of his fading form as the shadows screamed things he already knew. He knew he was  **_insignificant_ ** , he knew he was  **_fucking nothing_ ** **.**

And bloody hell, did he know, that **_they’d all be better off without_** him. 

He needed it to stop, for a moment.

And so he carved a thin line on the rough skin of the palm of his left hand, not his wrists, Mikey checked far too often now.

A vertical line, that was all it was meant to be. Then another line bled red gently and another and another and another. Until his palm had a word, stark and red upon it.

* * *

**~~F~~    ~~R~~    ~~E~~    ~~A~~    ~~K~~    **

* * *

**** You see, dear reader, he wore the truth on the palm of his hand, he needed everyone who ignored him, who stared right through him, who laughed, who humiliated him.. He needed them to know the truth. And the truth really does hurt sometimes. 

~~**He needed them to know the truth so that they had the time to leave him before he fucked them up.** ~~

~~**J** **ust like he F U C K E D them all up.** ~~

~~ Because he was a  **_F R E A K._ ** ~~

He was a  ~~**_F U C K U P._ ** ~~

He knew he was a  ~~**_W A S T E  O F  O X Y G E N._ ** ~~

* * *

****Mikey and Ray hadn’t come home yet. He knew they would, and he needed them to hold him.

* * *

The demons in his head were pounding on his skull,  **screaming, screeching, whispering** . It was  **venomous** almost.

The agony was unbearable, he just wanted to stop hurting, that’s all. 

_He just wanted to be okay._

And maybe he will, ~~but maybe he won’t.~~

That’s okay, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cried while writing this as i relapsed.  
> i was 36 days clean. 
> 
> i'm so sorry, for disappointing all of you beautiful people. i don't deserve any of the love you're all showing me. 
> 
> but thank you for staying with me - it means so much. <3
> 
> (chapter title from therapy by all time low)


	9. he vanished into oblivion (it's easy to do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pete texts gerard and explains all of it
> 
> tw: self harm, suicide attempt, suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry for this <3

Nighttime hit him straight on. Mikey and Ray hadn’t come home yet, their mother was working longer hours than ever. Gerard was petrified of the shadows.

He sat alone all night, wide awake, brain screaming.

* * *

His blades were in a pretty, ornate, box on his dresser, ironic that what was inside the unsuspecting box took a piece of him each time he put the object to his skin. He knew yesterday had been a mistake, and he hated himself for it. But the red lines were just as obvious as they had been in the bathroom only mere hours earlier.

He was still awake, digits on his generic alarm clock glared at him, blood red against the sheet of velvet darkness all around him.

And so he waited, drumming his fingers, strumming his guitar.

* * *

He waited for his brother and for his friend to come and save him, because he couldn’t fight them off alone, he thought he could.

But lying will be the death of him after all.

He thought he could do it by himself, you see, he didn’t want the others to worry about him. Why? Because he’s insignificant. He knows he is because all his brain does is scream at him all day, it’s always the same toxicity in his head, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less then when it hit him for the first time.

His phone softly pinged, making him flinch at the sudden noise.

It was Wentz. Gerard’s face fell, “Shit dude, what do you want now?” he thought aloud.

* * *

_**2:43am: PW:** gerard, i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to ever hurt you, i never meant any of it. i’m sorry. i wanted to be friends with you, you see, but i couldn’t, i didn’t know how to say it. because the only way i know love is through kicks and punches. i’ll say it again, i mean it you see? i NEVER meant to hurt you and i’m sorry. goodbye, gerard, i just thought you should know. Xo _

_**2:44am: gway:** fuck. wentz, i never hated you for what you did. i saw you and stump in the bathroom a while ago. I always knew you were sorry. _

_**2:45am: PW:** but how can you forgive me? i don’t understand gerard, i hurt you, i touched you when you screamed at me stop, i told you to kill yourself, i told you that you’re nothing. i don’t understand, how can you forgive me? _

_**2:46am: gway:** i know why you did what you did. i always knew, wentz, i always knew and i’m sorry for what your father does to you, i know how it feels, believe me. _

_**2:46am: PW:** i always thought you were brilliant, way, i always knew something was different about you the moment you entered school with your older brother and your lil acoustic. i always knew too.  _

_**2:47am: gway:** thank you, i could see through your apparent tough-guy mask wentz. aha, you never fooled me :) _

_**2:48am: PW:** it means everything that you forgive me, but i’m sorry for everything i did to you, i don’t think i could ever forgive myself, ever. _

_**2:49am: gway:** what do you mean? _

_**2:50am: PW:** i’m going to go now gerard. i always liked you and i’m sorry. for all of it. _

_**2:51am:** PW: goodbye gerard. goodbye. xo _

_**2:51am:** gway: pete? _

_**2:51am:** gway: text me back, please, stay safe. please stay alive. stay with me, please stay. _

_**2:51am:** PW: bye gee.  <3 _

_**2:52am:** PW is typing... _

Nothing. Radio silence.

* * *

And at that exact moment, Patrick walked into his bedroom and found his everything, his baby, his Pete with blood coated on his forearms and a bottle of pills beside him. He pressed his shaking hands to the flow of red, and sobbed as he dialed 911. He held Pete tightly, not missing, his baby’s possible last words.

“Till tonight do us part. I love you Patrick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the cliffhanger i hate myself ugh :(


	10. i've already given up on myself (twice)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gerard runs to frank's and they go to see the broken boy who may not see the sun rise again.
> 
> tw: implied self harm, referenced/past suicide and attempts, self hatred, suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your support means the world to me.
> 
> it makes me feel like i'm something when i need something to anchor me before i drown completely.
> 
> thank you and stay alive, please <3 <3 |-/

It was 2:55am. 

Sirens blaring. Boys crying. Screams. Phones ringing. 

Bright lights snatching at Gerard’s weakened body through all the velvet around him. Rain. Rain. Heavy water fell from the sky as it opened up and fell pieces, breaking all beneath it.

Mikey and Ray weren’t home yet, Gerard wanted to got to Pete, but he was too scared to go alone in case someone hurt him with their words and scary hands. 

And so he reached, hands trembling badly, for his phone and turned it on. 

The screen momentarily blinded him again, but he hurriedly unlocked it and pressed on the messages app. He quickly entered Frank’s number on the tear-stained scrap of paper his neighbour had given him yesterday. Wait, Frank was his neighbour, he didn’t need to text him, what was he doing?

Not caring about anything other than the boy who hurt himself because he didn’t know how to express his emotions other than punches and kicks and touches, he yanked a random hoodie over his hunched form, stuffing his headphones into his phone and pulling his boots on his feet; he ran from his home and rained knocks on Frank’s door as he sobbed and shouted for his friend.

* * *

Frank Iero was lying awake, terrified for the boy opposite him. Gerard’s lights had been on all night and he wasn’t showing any signs of falling asleep anytime soon. 

He heard urgent bangs on his door and fled downstairs to see who it was.

* * *

Gerard was stood outside his house, alone, a mess of tears in the nighttime,  **BAD** thoughts and scar upon scar on his left wrist. “Frank?” Gee’s voice cracked as he rubbed urgently at his eyes. “Can you come with me to the hospital, please?”

“What happened Gee?”

“It’s Pete.” 

Frank’s brow furrowed, Pete was Gerard’s bully. “What about him?” 

Gerard looked into Frank’s chocolate eyes, his own gaze weighed down by self-hatred and utter despondency. “He tried to disappear. He tried to go.”  

Frank looked at Gerard, confused. “Why do you want to see him?” 

Gerard reached for his phone and handed it to his neighbour, Gerard’s ruined, damp hoodie made contact with Frank’s warm skin for a second. The smaller boy winced suddenly at the cold water on his skin.

* * *

Frank didn’t know how to reply, until he scrolled down the messages the two exchanged only minutes before. He was shocked to find himself crying, Pete sounded so broken and… hopeless, while Gerard forgave him, not giving a fuck about the past, only caring about the boy who wanted to leave.

“He apologised to me, Frank! He apologised. And then he hurt himself. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.” Gerard blamed himself so bad. He knew it should have been him. If anyone should leave tonight, it should be him, no one would miss Gerard, even if they did, they’d forget soon enough. While Patrick Stump was falling apart in the local hospital, bright lights blinding as the soles of his shoes scraped against the linoleum floor. And while no one knew whether or not Pete would make it to tomorrow.

* * *

We take the sun rising for granted, because when all you want to do is fucking disappear, and you find yourself unable to swim because you’re drowning.

You don’t know whether or not you’ll survive to see the sun rise, and when you do… that is a victory in itself. 

_ And that is why, dear reader, in so many ways the world is awfully ugly, but in others it is remarkably beautiful. _

* * *

All they could do that night, was drive to the hospital together on Gerard’s rickety bike as Frank held onto Gee’s hips. All they could do was get there and hug a broken Patrick tightly as he sobbed and hugged and thanked them over and over and over for being there with him this night. All Gerard could do was apologise.

“I’m sorry, Trick, it’s all my fault.”

Patrick looked horrified. “Don’t you fucking dare blame yourself, Gerard, it’s no one’s fault. Pete.. it was too dark for him tonight, too dark.”

Patrick still had Pete’s crimson blood on his hands, he looked like shit. 

“Patrick, try to sleep ok? I’ll stay awake. You too Gerard, both of you, sleep.”

Frank whispered, leaning back to allow the two boys to sleep on him. And the boys slept fitfully, each wondering how they could have done things differently.

* * *

While Frank sat there, tears on his cheeks, the hospital all too familiar from the day he had found his father gone in his room. It had been 10 years, yet he lost a part of himself the very moment his father had left him.

And then he felt the memories fall back into place and he was 6 years old all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, the other characters will come into the story much later, i didn't lie about who's in it when i tagged this lmao, they have yet to be written because i want to take my time with this. 
> 
> hope you understand xx
> 
> title for this is from G.I.N.A.S.F.S which is a remarkable fall out boy song. breaks my heart every time <3


	11. you broke another mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank waits and blames himself. Drowning in the memory. 
> 
> Tw: implied suicide attempt, suicide, implied self harm, self hatred, blame, child abuse, implied alcoholism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update aha having a shit time at the moment xx
> 
> Also I'm learning fake plastic trees on my baby (guitar) and it's awesome lmao <3

_Frank had just come home from school, the boys had hurt him again and he attempted, unsuccessfully, to cover a large bruise_ _on his hip. It throbbed to move but he gritted his teeth and carried on. He hesitantly walked through the door, house strangely_ _silent, checking the counter by the door, he saw a note from his mother. She wouldn’t be home until later. He hurried up the stairs to his room, to his surprise his parents bedroom door was ajar._

_And so, being a child, he entered out of sheer curiosity._

_He didn’t expect, he never expected to see his father… Swinging from a rope attached to the beams of their ceiling._

_His dad… was not this thing in front of him, his father was kisses, he was hugs and love and strong, strong hands. His father was bright and light and here. His father wasn’t dead._

_His father wasn’t… his father… his dad.. He wasn’t with him._

_Then the 6 year old boy collapsed to the ground, helplessly holding his dad close to his chest as he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed._

_“Daddy?” Frank whimpered, voice croaky with tears. “Please wake up please wake up!”_

* * *

Frank Iero was back in the present. He flinched as the memory gripped him and pulled him under; whimpering as he saw his father’s lifeless form all fucking over again.

He shouldn't have gone in the room. He shouldn't have gone in.

* * *

It was his fault, he'd always knew it was you see. He was an awful kid, arguing constantly but with the anger came the numbing self hatred and at 5 he found himself crying himself to sleep every night while his father would whisper venom into his ears. The venom was true but his guitar had always been the anti-venom to his father’s alcohol-heavy, raspy tone.

But when the beer was no longer in his father’s strong hands, that he used for punching, he would hold his son and whisper hope and love and (Frank was unaware) blissfully empty promises. Because Frank always ended up against the wall, vision fading to black and lungs screaming for air.

* * *

But no one worried about Frank. He only had himself, hell, he didn't even care about himself anymore.

Gerard didn't know that Frank had scars on his arms and the screaming demons pounding on his skull as well.

That was why he had been so open yet so hesitant with assisting Gerard. Because he was worried that he wouldn't want his help.

Frank saw so much of himself in the boy, his friend (?) curled up on his lap. What even were they? Casual acquaintances, friends, peers, classmates or more?  
Frank didn't know and to be honest he couldn't give a fuck as long as he stayed by Gee and Patrick's side and as long as he didn't leave them wondering where they went wrong. He needed friends after all, it'd gotten lonely. He had Alex, Jack, Rian and Zack, but they were all the way in New York, dealing with their own monsters.

* * *

Sometimes he found that his brain was a tornado. One he was unable to slow down. Everything suffocates him these days, but everyone just tells him to breathe.

But how can he breathe when he's drowning?

* * *

His whirring train of thoughts were cut short by the sudden cough of a waiting doctor. “Mr Stumph?” He called loudly.

Frank’s head snapped up as he gently stroked Patrick's remarkably soft hair. “I'm a friend of his. Over here!” Frankie waved, a strained smile on his rapidly paling face.

The doctor hurried to the waiting, stressed guitarist and his sleeping friends.  
“I just thought you should know.. your friend, Pete, is alive.”  
The very moment he said that, Patrick and Gerard were suddenly awake and running to their friend. Thanking the the doctor and yelling “love you”’s to Frank.

* * *

They had no idea how much he needed to hear someone loves him, he heard it so often, but it always felt empty and forced. Like his father's apparent promises.

“Love you too!” Frank whispered smiling to himself as the static fell away for a moment.

But a moment was enough for Frankie to know that now he mattered to somebody. Even if that person didn't feel the same way back, maybe they did, maybe they didn't.


	12. i'm hopeless(ly hopeful)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard cant find frankie 
> 
> Tw: implied suicide attempt

Pete was supported by pillow upon pillow; thick white bandages covered his forearms. Patrick looked to his boyfriend, love shining in his blue eyes.

* * *

“I love you.” He whispered, voice choked with emotion. Pete looked at his Patrick, his baby, his blonde-red haired, blue-eyed angel.   
“You saved my life, again, Patrick. Remember when you saved me that night on the roof of your hotel?” Patrick nodded, rubbing at his eyes, laughing as he cried into Pete’s smooth neck. He inhaled his scent, ran his fingers over Pete’s green-blue veins and kissed him gently.

Patrick’s body was wracked with silent sobs as he held Pete closer to him than he ever had before. “I’m sorry, Petey, I’m sorry I didn’t see.”  
Pete looked horrified, holding Patrick’s face in his shaking hands, he raised his boyfriend’s tearful face to his own, “Don’t blame yourself, you weren’t to see, lunchbox, you weren’t to know. I.. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you, I’m sorry.”

Gerard, looking to Patrick for permission, gently placed a shaking finger on Pete’s lips. He gently shushed the boy.   
“You couldn’t see any light, that’s all, we’re here to make you see all the light.” Gerard whispered, voice shaking. He didn’t really talk to people anymore.   
Pete nodded, “Can I hug you, is that alright?”   
Gerard nodded and let Pete wrap his strong arms around him, trying not to flinch, but he still did. “Sorry, it’s just a reflex now.”   
Pete nodded, sad. “I get that, it’s okay.”

Gerard looked at his hands and wrung them as he bit his lip, gently backing out the room. “I assume I’ll see you on Monday Wentz?”  
Pete nodded and waved “See you then Gerard.”

* * *

When Gerard left the too-bright room, he headed out into the waiting area.   
Frank was gone. Frank was gone. Frank wasn’t waiting for him. “Frank?” Gerard called out. There was no reply, no boy with the bright face yet sad eyes. No boy with his fragmented mask came to him.

Sighing, he wandered out into the parking lot, pulling a box of cigarettes that he’d stolen from Mikey, he lit one with shaking fingers. He waited for Frank, not knowing if he would be back tonight, not knowing if he had to go home alone. He didn’t want to go home alone, in case there were bad men with scary hands. Nervous, he dug around in his pocket for his phone, and slowly dialed Ray’s number. The older boy picked up on the first ring.

“Hey Gee.” Gerard could hear the smile in his voice.  
“Do you think you could come pick me up? I’m at the hospital.”  
He could hear his older brother’s voice crackling in the background. “What do you mean? What happened, shit Gee, what’s going on?”  
“I was just visiting a friend, but my ride isn’t anywhere to be found.”   
“Give whoever it is some time, we’ll set off though, be there in 10?” Ray replied softly.  
Gerard nodded, anxiety coursing through his veins.

* * *

Frank was walking aimlessly. He didn’t know where he was, all he knew that was he had left the hospital. Now he was lost, he always was after all. The sky was dark, he checked the time on his phone, 4am. It’d been about an hour since Frank had fallen into the abyss of his memories, then he left the hospital the moment Gee and Patrick had gone to talk to Pete.

He knew Gerard would forget about him, soon enough, everyone always did after all. And so he opened his eyes again, stepping away from the wasteland his mind had made for him, a land of utter, absolute hopelessness. And he saw his father’s gravestone, felt the soil under his hands, felt his knees on the soft, cold grass.

And he hung his head, silently crying as he ran shaky fingers over the scars on his arms. He stroked each letter on the grey stone before him as the truth took hold of his shattered form.

It was his fault after all, he killed his father. It should’ve been him. It should’ve been him.

It should’ve been him. 


	13. (i went outside today) hoping i'd feel something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gee meets Frankie's friends and they tell him the truth
> 
> Tw: implied suicide attempt and past self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update you lot ugh shits been getting real <3

It'd been 10 minutes since Gerard had called Ray in a haze of anxiety and nervousness. Frank was nowhere to be seen, and Gerard was worried about him.

He knew Frank wasn’t okay, he could tell the moment he heard his gentle, soft voice break apart all the white noise the first time they met. But Frank wasn’t replying to any of his texts. He wasn’t here.

And so Gerard waited for his brother and his boyfriend to come save him from the night and from his mind and from himself. He waited as the minutes blurred around him, the stars sparkled and burned above him.

He waited as he ran his fingertips over the small blade in his pocket, fingers scratched and cut up, blood on the pale skin. Gerard whimpered, shivering as he wrapped his thin jacket tighter around himself.

* * *

Ray pulled up, car roaring quietly. The window was all condensed and foggy, damn it looked warm in there. The window came down and Ray and Mikey smiled sadly at the boy before them. “Hey baby bro!” Mikey chuckled softly as he opened the door for his brother.

“You okay up there?” He cocked his head and gently tapped Gerard’s temple with one hand as he ruffled his little brother’s hair with the other.  
Gerard shook his head, mouth smiling, yet it was faked because his eyes were downcast, heavy with sadness and worry.

* * *

"What's wrong?” Ray quietly asked as Gerard collapsed into the small car, bike beside him.  
“It's Frank.” He replied, biting his lip.  
“Who's Frank?” Mikey asked, turning around to face his brother.  
“A friend of mine, he wasn't where I left him..” Gerard mumbled his reply, anxiously wringing his hands.

“Whereabouts does he live?” Mikey looked to Ray, concern written all over his paling features.  
“Opposite us. He just moved from New York.”

The two lovers embraced this new information and literally broke the accelerator in an effort to find the terrified boy.

* * *

There were boys waiting outside Frank’s house. Boys Gerard didn't know. 

They were evidently nervous, they stood in twos, arms wrapped around waists, tears streaked down faces. One was urgently ringing the doorbell, while the others paced, clearly anxious about something.

Gerard jumped from the car, running to the boys waiting outside. “Hi!” He panted, smiling as his cheeks flushed, heart pumping.

One brunette looked to Gee, “Yeah?” He snapped, nervous, before realising how harsh he’d sounded and offering a shaky hand in apology, which Gerard gratefully took. 

“Who are you?” Gerard asked, careful not to annoy them.  
“We’re friends of Frankie’s,” a smaller boy shouted out. “Who are you?”  
“I’m Gerard, Gerard Way; his neighbour, just live opposite.” He gestured helplessly to his house, laughing awkwardly.

The first boy absorbed the information, relaxed now. “Nice to meet you Gerard,” he shook Gee’s hand again, with more confidence and trust in his grip. “I’m Jack, Jack Barakat.”

Gerard smiled, relieved. “Coolio,” He bit his lip, turning to the others. “Um, you are?”

Jack swung his arm around the boy closest to him and roughly kissed his cheek as the other giggled, gently pushing Jack away. Laughing loudly, the new boy hugged Gerard tightly “I’m Alex, Alex Gaskarth!” He smiled brightly.

Gerard liked Jack and Alex a whole fucking lot. Gee hugged Alex back, feeling his small breaths on his neck, “I like you Gaskarth.” His eyes lit up cheekily.

Jack growled playfully, pulling Alex closer to him. “Back off Way,” he smiled, crookedly, chuckling. “Gaskarth here is mine!”

The other two introduced themselves. “Hi, Gee, I’m Zachary, Zachary Merrick to be precise.”  
“You’re sweet, I like you.” Gerard smiled, hugging the new kid close.

The other boy sighed in defeat and kissed Zack’s lips roughly, giggling as he held his boyfriend,

“Rian, Rian Dawson. Zack is my child, please leave him be.”

Zack nodded, happily hugging his boyfriend.

“Yeah, you’re right to be honest, I am younger than you.”

* * *

Gerard tutted, smiling. Then he remembered. Frank wasn’t anywhere to be found.

“Why are you here? Tonight? For Frank, why now?”

The boys exchanged confused yet heavy glances.  
“He didn’t tell you?” Rian’s eyes were sad now, the light was fading rapidly, Gerard craved the light radiating from all the boys, but it was dimming by the second and that terrified him.  
“Tell me what?” Gerard whispered urgently.

Alex stepped forward, rubbing his neck, hands shaking with anxiety, it was seizing him, pulling him down. But he had to breathe, for all their sakes. 

“His dad, he found his father 10 years ago today.”  
“What do you mean he found him?” Gerard knew what was coming, but he didn’t want to believe it. 

“His father, his father, well you see-” Alex stopped abruptly, rubbing at his eyes and apologising.

Jack rubbed Alex’s back as he relaxed under his warm, gentle, touch. Jack continued where his scared love left off. 

“He wasn’t the best father, he used to hit Frankie a lot, lied to him a shit ton as well,” Jack laughed bitterly. “He- he hung himself and Frank..” 

Gerard fell silent. “And Frankie found him?”  
Jack nodded, crying into Gerard’s shoulder as Gee tightly held him, sobbing with Jack.

“Where is he now? Where’s Frankie?” Rian went to Gee and gripped his shoulders, weakly as he cried softly.

* * *

"Gerard, you have to understand. He’s bad this time of year. It’s the anniversary. He blames himself every year, you have to watch him, but we’ll stay as long as it takes, for him and for you. Watch him for us, please.”

“Where was his dad buried?”  
“Here.” Zack whispered, “His father was born here, they moved to New York when Frankie was born, don’t know why, but we got to meet and love him. So that was worth it.”

“We should go find him, right?” Gee whispered softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!!
> 
> I love when people take the the time to talk to me or read what I write so thank you so much :)  
> <3 <3
> 
> Also: gee is such a flirt in this chapter wow my child wow aha
> 
> Hey demons, it's ya boi (shaniacs anyone lmao) we're nearly at 400 reads what the hell thank you so much dudes I wow thank you!!


	14. (i took the pills for) these empty nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank lets go
> 
> Tw: suicide attempt, suicidal actions, child abuse, implied sexual assault, alcoholism

Frank was still, awfully still.

The only thing moving was his soft dark hair as the wind pushed at it with all its strength. His hands were shaking badly as he gripped the cool, metal barrier on the bridge. 

He needed to go now, it was his time after all.

The years flashed by as finger by finger fell from the barrier.

* * *

_He was 3 years old, Alex was running by his side as they flew through the grass on the hill as if little angels. He was laughing, gritting his teeth as he felt the bruises flare as he hit the soft greenery beneath his feet. Alex held his little friend close and kissed him on the cheek, giggling as they tumbled further down the hill together._

_He was 4 years old. His father had come home, his mother was out, somewhere with her girlfriends. She had no idea that her supposedly-loving husband beat their son down every night, breaking him apart piece by piece._

_Frank was shoved up against the wall, vision fading to black as his father’s rough, scary hands tightened around his throbbing throat - tears soaked his cheeks as he weakly pushed at his dad’s chest. He begged through the suffocation, pleading and screaming. But his protests fell on deaf ears as Frankie felt agony grip his steadily breaking form, as his air was snatched from him, as the venom seeped through his veins - rendering him lost and hopeless, as he fell to the floor._

_**Going… going… Gone.** _

_He was 7 years old. His father had left him. He had killed him. He wanted his dad back, so fucking bad, he wanted the light of him, not the darkness within that came out with punches and venom and lies and hurt. He wanted Good Dad back, not the one that killed him ever so carefully.  
But then his mother met a new man. One who made the same empty promises as his father had done._

_And so he stayed silent, stayed trapped in his mind._  
_Up until the day he didn’t wake up for weeks on end.  
Up until the day his stepfather’s friends forced themselves upon him as he sobbed and cried and whimpered and broke under their rough hands._

_Up until the day he turned 10 and his mother found her baby boy collapsed, sobbing and bleeding in his bedroom. Up until the day he flinched away from his mother’s gentle, safe touch._

_Up until the day his friends held him as he fell to his knees in the middle of the trapping, too loud corridor._

* * *

They’d only been in New Jersey for a couple months, Frank had barely been to school, he’d stayed at home while his mother drank like his father did.

Nostalgia, joy, love, sadness, tears, fear, lies, venom filled his veins and smothered his already fading vision.

* * *

He cried softly, tears falling as another finger fell from the barrier.

And then he let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Undoubtedly you all hate me for this. I'm sorry. <3   
> :(.  
> But if you want some good news, here it is:
> 
> Frank doesn't fall all the way down. Someone saves him.


	15. the world never wanted me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they saved him
> 
> tw: suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated, been ill af and my skull's throbbing ugh <3

Gerard didn’t give a flying fuck that his friends screams pierced his ears, heavy but light with fleeting urgency and fear. 

All he could do was focus on his angel, his saviour, his something, his everything began to fall from the bridge. Tears clouded his vision as he grabbed at nothing, before finally feeling Frankie’s heavy body in his arms.

Frank was screaming but no sound was coming out, he hung there as Gerard held his fading form tightly as he possibly could before his friends hoisted him up as he sobbed and sobbed and fell apart, pieces cracking to the hard, stable cement of the bridge.

* * *

“ **JUST LET ME DIE!** ” He screamed, throat raw and voice cracking from the heavy shadows clinging to his frozen form. “ **GET THE FUCK OFF ME! LET ME FUCKING GO!** ” He cried and begged until his voice broke into already shattered pieces.

Frank urgently thrashed around in Gerard’s arms, the younger boy held him tighter as each second passed. 

Gerard felt the tears soaking his clothes. He whispered soft promises to his friend and stroked his hair, rubbed his back, wiped the tears from his paling, empty face.

His screams turned to shattered, uneven sobs that cut through the silence like the feeling they all knew far too well. The noise cut through the silence as if a blade to a trembling wrist.

Frank was a tornado. He was a tornado, he knew he was. He ruined everything he touched with his shaking, cut up fingers, destroyed all with his quiet, careful words. He was a tornado. But some stayed with him, and he had no idea why. He didn’t know why they stuck by his side when all he did was cry and break and scream and bleed and punch and fear.

He didn’t deserve them. He didn’t deserve them.

Alex ran to his brother and gently took Frank from Gerard’s shaking arms.

“I’ve got you bro, I’ve got you.” Alex’s voice was soothing, it tore away all the anxious, bad thoughts whirring about and ramming into the sides of his skull.  Gaskarth held him close, kissing his temple, running his fingers through his now-matted hair as Frank whimpered hopelessly, bundled in Alex’s secure arms. 

Alex and Jack and Rian and Zack were home. Gerard was something. He didn’t know what yet, maybe he never will and that’s okay.

* * *

“Why did you save me?” Frank asked, voice quiet so he didn’t scare away those who loved him, why they loved him he didn’t know.

Zack laughed, sadly. “Why?” 

Frank nodded, mind blurry, as the colours bled in front of him and disappeared at the same time. He needed the colours so bad.

“Frank motherfucking Iero, we saved you because.. Because we need you.” Zack’s voice crackled at the end, and he rubbed at his eyes. Frank was shocked, Zack never cried, he never had done for the 15, 16 years that they’d known each other.

“Don’t cry, Zacky, I love you. Please don’t cry.”

And the moment Frank said that, Zack lifted his shaking friend from the ground, holding him tightly. “I love you too, Frankie, we’ll go to Gee’s ok, then we can talk.”

“Do we have to, talk, I mean?” Frank’s eyes were heavy with sadness.

He was numb.

He was nothing. He was nothing.

Gerard ran to his quiet, silent, beautiful neighbour. “We’ll talk after the sun rises, Frankie, we’ll talk after the moon says goodbye.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was awful, i'm so sorry guys. this was a train wreck, i just needed to write this, to understand myself a bit more. didn't help at all to be honest um :(
> 
> it doesn't matter, but i'm an absolute mess at the moment, i write these chapters, i write frank and gee like i do because sometimes all i want to do it die. but the release and escape i crave so badly is just out of my reach and yeah i'm sorry. this is so stupid of me aha, i'm sorry :(
> 
> i'm trying to be strong, but somedays, all i want to do is leave.   
> i love you all so much and i'll stay for the little bits of light that there are.   
> i'm trying. you all matter so much, never forget that please don't
> 
> *yours truly <3*


	16. tell me that i won't feel a thing (give me novocaine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its as happy an ending to tonight as it can be 
> 
> tw: implied suicide attempt, self harm, past sexual assault (implied)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, an update! <3

Zack burst into the Way’s house, a shaking, sleeping Frankie in his arms, whimpering at every sudden movement.

* * *

Everything had happened in slow motion and the moments flew by all over again.

Frank was there, then he was falling, then he was screaming and sobbing and breaking and pleading. And then Gerard held him and rocked him in his shaking arms. Then Alex kissed his friend and didn’t let go. Then Zack cried and his defenses fell away as he hoisted a nervous, silent boy into his weakened arms. 

A boy with straightened dark hair met Zack’s tearful eyes with his stony ones.

“Who are you?” The older boy asked, confusion on his face. 

“I’m Zack. We know your brother.” Zack’s reply was curt and abrupt, as the boy in his arms buried his cold face into Zack’s warm neck.

* * *

He held Frank’s hand, gently pressing a kiss onto his friend’s temple lay him down on the sofa as the older boy instinctively grabbed a blanket and wrapped him tightly. Frank flinched away from Mikey’s touch. “No no no nonononononono.” He protested weakly. Mikey backed away, biting his lip. He reached for his younger brother, pulling Gee into the kitchen.

Zack, Rian, Jack and Alex waited nervously, muffled cries, whimpered apologies seeped through the crack under the door. Mikey wrapped his arms around Gerard, kissing his brother’s temple, he smiled sadly. 

“You’re amazing Gee, this is why I love you lil bro.” 

Gerard wiped his tears away and got closer to his brother. “I love you too Mikey.”

* * *

Frank was quiet, clinging onto Alex, Jack and Gee for dear life and Zack and Rian sat down with Mikey in the kitchen, working on food for all of them. The boys made small talk, but all Mikey could think about was the boy who wanted to die lying on his couch, unable to sleep, unable to breathe.

He called Zack over awkwardly smiling. “Frank’s staying here for a while. I don’t care how old I am, we’re taking care of him. Mama, she won’t care anyways, the drugs keep here too busy.”

Zack nodded gratefully. “This all seems to be happening rather quickly, doesn’t it?” Mikey nodded, smiling sadly. “Do you think you boys could stick around for a while? For Gee and Frank’s sake at least?” 

Zack looked to Rian, his boyfriend was smiling as he hastily cut carrots into small pieces, moving to the soft beat pulsating in the bright room. “We planned to stay a while anyways. If his mother doesn’t care, then we’ll look after him, all of us will.”

Mikey smiled, calling Rian over he embraced both the boys tightly. 

“He’s lucky, to have you boys. You clearly love him, a lot.” 

Ri nodded at the elder Way boy, “We’re here for you and Gee as well, my dude. Don’t forget that, we’ve got a lil motel booked anyways.” The corners of his mouth turned up, eyes happy. 

Mikey shook his head, chuckling lightly. He was more relaxed than he had been in a while. “Well, call up your motel. You’re staying with us, no questions asked!”

And they all embraced the elder boy and he laughed, relaxing into their grip. 

God, they all needed each other at the moment. They needed all the love they could get.

* * *

Frank was whimpering, consumed by all the memories crashing down all around him, pulling him under as he suffocated silently in the arms of his friends. 

Gerard lay a gentle hand on his shoulder and he flinched away suddenly. Frank was biting his lip so hard that it had begun to bleed over his shirt. The red fell in drops, drops that reminded Gerard of his wrists.

* * *

In a haste to not fall away, to stay for Frank, he breathed in and out before hastily yanking his dark sleeves over the pale, red, scarred skin over his secrets. But all his classmates knew. Goddamnit, the bullying had gotten so so so much worse.

One time, a kid he knew had ‘accidentally’ nicked Gee with the sharp blade of a scalpel when they were studying stencils and graffiti in art. 

It had taken all his (virtually non existent, keep in mind) self control not to break down there and then and get the fuck out of that hell hole. But he didn’t want to disappoint Mikey and Ray, not when they sacrificed their future, their dreams for Gerard. He hated himself for that. He hated himself for ruining them.

Gerard hates himself for a lot of things.

* * *

The sky was a vast, seemingly infinite stretch of void. It covered the boys in nothing and suffocated them. But it also kept them anchored, kept them as okay as they could be. Frank was curled up in Gerard’s arms, with Alex and Jack protectively watching him from their bowls of pasta in the kitchen.

The Way’s house was full of life that night, it was a happy ending to one that was drenched in fear and sadness and hopelessness. It was bright and loud and happy and there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't updated. I've been insanely stressed with school work, exams, revision, instrument practice (which i love aha) and all that fantabulous shit, hope you didn't forget me :)
> 
> i hope this was adequate, i'm quite happy with this one to be honest since i struggled with writing this but i'll get back into the whole groove again soon <3 
> 
> I've been on a green day marathon wow I love them so much. Have sooo many favourites but one of my all time to choose will have to be "still breathing" it's fuckin remarkable!!
> 
> Love you all and take care of yourselves dudes xo


	17. take away all this emptiness i feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gerard and frank find each other.
> 
> TW: scars/self harm, implied suicide attempt, self hatred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote another chapter yay! <3
> 
> (also, the title for this chapter is from the song 'Another You' by the guys Of Mice & Men. I highly recommend listening to it, it's utterly amazing!!!! also it's really relatable and cathartic)

The sun was rising over the jagged yet simplistic skyline before them. 

Gerard’s arms were wrapped around the smaller boy, holding him close to his heart. Frank could hear Gee’s soft snores break the awful, heavy silence of the night, the small noises were an antidote to his roaring brain. He gently shook Gerard’s shoulder, watching as his friend, his something(?) whimpered in protest to being woken up. He groaned, stretching his arms, rubbing hastily at his eyes. Frank found it adorable. 

“Morning Gee.” Frank whispered. 

Gerard’s brown orbs were fully open, shining with emotion for the sad boy in front of him. “Hey Frankie, do you want to go for a walk?”

* * *

Frank nodded, weary with exhaustion. “You're pretty.” He slurred, swaying as the sleep deprivation hit him straight on. 

Gerard laughed, lightly. “I’m really not, Iero.” His tone turned ever so slightly sadder, and he looked to the darkened floorboards. 

Frank’s eyes snapped to Gerard’s faked smile. “Don’t you dare.” His voice wavered suddenly. 

“Don’t I dare, what?” 

“Say that about yourself.” Frank whispered, yanking shoes over his feet.

“It’s true, you know.” Way’s tone was unsure, uneven. Frank heard his friend sniffle, and his half-hearted attempts to be quiet. 

“You’re beautiful, you hear me?” Frank snapped, gripping Gerard’s chin and softly lifting his head to his eyes.

The sky shook with thunder, Gerard flinched at the sudden interruption. 

“Stop it, Iero, I’m… I’m.. Nothing.”

“You’re something Gerard, you’re something.”

Frank felt Gerard’s tears on the bare skin of his neck, it was cold, yet soothing in a way. Because Gee’s tears helped cease the darkness wrapped around his throat.

Then Frank sighed in defeat, and pressed his lips to Gerard’s. It was only a kiss, a gentle one at that. Gerard’s eyes widened almost comically, and he returned the kiss, pulling Frank closer to him. Then Gee pulled away, eyes closed, cheeks flushed scarlet. He was smiling softly, giggling to himself.

That was the moment Frank Iero melted.

* * *

Gerard looked to the floor, grin crooked as he avoided eye contact. “Why me?”

Frank gripped Gerard’s hand tightly as pressed his lips to the ruined, scarred skin of his forearms, skin that made Frank hurt whenever he saw. The other boy was crying softly as the saddened guitarist held him.

“Seeing you every morning, every night. Seeing the purity of you and your brother and his boyfriend, made me wake up. It gave me reason to get up and do whatever it was i needed to do. It’s cliche, I know, but I think I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.”

Gerard laughed softly, eyes shone with happiness. Wiping his eyes, he kissed Frank’s cheek. “It meant a lot to me, you know, that you came after me, that you didn’t let me go back into the bathroom.”

Frank shook his head, “You don’t need to say anything. I need to show you something, okay?”

* * *

Gerard nodded, intrigued. He felt his heart thump. Frank rolled up his sleeves, scars glinted savagely in the light, some were deeper than others. Some were layered. But there were no new scars. And he was so proud of Frank for that.

“May I?” The scared boy whispered. Frank nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. He ran long fingers over the thick lines of Frankie’s arms. 

“Why?” 

Frank turned to face Gerard, pressing his forehead to Gee’s chest, he whispered. “We all have our demons Gee, mine also broke my spirit, mentally and physically.” 

“Is that why you were on the bridge?” Gerard asked, holding Frank’s hand tightly. 

“No, that was something else. Something I wish I could forget.” 

The Way boy swung his arm around Frank’s waist and kept their bodies close.

* * *

“I’m sorry, Frankie.” Gerard whispered, tears mixing with his thin eyeliner as the door closed behind them.

“Why on earth are you apologising to me?” Frank replied softly, eyebrows raised, incredulous.

“I, I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

* * *

Frank laughed, utterly confused yet heartbroken.

“Fuck no. Gerard. You saved me, literally, you saved my life back on the bridge.”

“But I should’ve stayed with you.” 

“Stop this, Gerard. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I didn’t talk to you, I should’ve told someone and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

Gerard nodded. “It’s not your fault though Frankie.” 

Gerard sighed sadly, smiling to himself he yanked Frank close to him, gently. Kissing the boy he had grown to love the moment he had seen the moving van opposite them.

* * *

And for a moment, everything was light. 

But it would come crashing down, and that was ok, because they had each other.

And so they sat together and waited for morning to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my sincere apologies, for not updating. I'm so sorry!!! :(((((
> 
> I've had so much on, and I'm afraid, the updates may take a while to knock out.   
> Finding the words I want is hard and it's annoying because I need to write so much more.   
> I'm insanely busy with schoolwork, exams and all that fantabulous shit. It's fun lmao.   
> Love you all, thank you all for not leaving me or giving up on this story - it means a lot to me :)
> 
> take care of yourselves for me killjoys, stay alive <3 <3


	18. stay alive, stay alive for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> group chat fluff, smiles and light
> 
> goddamn, gee loves his friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back into the groove of writing!  
> three cheers for me!! lol <3
> 
> this made me happy, hope you enjoy my dudes xo
> 
> also, if you were wondering:
> 
> gway/geebear-says-rawr is gerard (CRINGE IS INTENDED IM SORRY!)  
> 420TROHMAN is joe  
> kittendun is josh  
> troy-joseph is tyler

Only a few days had passed since the day Frank had lost all his hope and tried to leave. Only a few days had passed since Pete had tried to do the same. They were still breathing, that was all they could do after all.

* * *

It was another day of hell and Gerard was anything but ready. He found himself struggling to get up almost every morning and he knew, oh hell, he knew that things were getting bad again. But he couldn’t care less (that scared him because he should care) because he has expectations to meet, exams to pass, teachers to make proud… Academically, he was ruining himself by revising all night, barely stopping to drink water or have a nap.

He missed his friends, bloody hell… He hadn’t seen them in weeks. He missed Tyler’s small smile, the ink on his arms, chest and wrists. He missed Josh’s rose hair and the way his mocha eyes crinkled when he laughed. He missed Joe’s mess of curls and the way his eyes lit up when Gerard and the others let him play guitar and fangirl about the “beautiful technicalities” of his favourite songs. Even though he had no reason to be (hi!! anxiety) he was still a nervous wreck as he scrolled through the messages app on his phone, before pressing on the group chat entitled “le sens” with a shaking index finger.

* * *

“What to say? What to say?” he whispered softly to no one as the anxiety seizing him.

**_4:17am: gway:_ ** _ hey guys, y’all are probably asleep but just wanted to say sorry i haven’t been in touch lately, i didn’t mean to hurt you <3 sorry if i did xo _

He hadn’t expected his phone to flash and vibrate almost immediately, nervously he opened the new message.. It was Joe! Gerard smiled softly, giggling as quietly as humanly possible because he didn’t want to wake up Frankie who was beside him and Zack and Ri who were out on the floor (on a mattress, of course, Mikey had insisted that they stay at theirs anyways).

* * *

**_4:18am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ hey geebear, it’s oaky my dude don’t apologise! you could never hurt us sweets! <3 we should meet up soon, i’ve really missed you tbh - how about after school today? the usual location le sens? _

 

**_4:19am: kittendun:_ ** _ yeessss!!!! missed you gee! xo it’s awesome to hear from you, hope you’re holding your head up high dude <3 _

 

**_4:20am: troy-joseph:_ ** _ hey fren, hell yee, it’s been too long sunshine, let’s be honest here, love you dude! :) xoxo _

 

**_4:20am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ it’s ma number le sens!!! 420 420 420 _

 

**_4:20am: gway:_ ** _ joe, you stoner what the fuck???!!!???? _

 

**_4:21am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ are y’all deaf or something???? IT’S MA TIME _

 

**_4:22am: troy-joseph:_ ** _ not anymore my fren xo, not anymore _

 

**_4:23am: “gway” changed his name to “geebear-says-rawr”_ **

 

**_4:24am: geebear-says-rawr:_ ** _ umm can i bring someone? is that okay?  _

 

**_4:25am: troy-joseph:_ ** _ coolio!  _

 

**_4:26am: kittendun:_ ** _ why not? lmao _

 

**_4:26am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ hell yeah, as long as they’re chill :) _

 

**_4:26am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ i’m gonna bring someone too, if that’s okay xo _

 

**_4:27am: geebear-says-rawr:_ ** _ oohh, who is it joey? _

 

**_4:28am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ just some guy i met _

 

**_4:29am: kittendun:_ ** _ i ship it _

 

**_4:30am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ wtf joshie? you don’t even know the guy yet aha _

 

**_4:30am: troy-joseph:_ ** _ so? he ships it _

 

**_4:30am: kittendun:_ ** _ yeah i ship it _

 

**_4:31am: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _ lmao down! boys!!!! calm down _

 

**_4:32am: geebear-says-rawr:_ ** _ sorry guys, i’m gonna sleep now aha i’m shattered tbh. Love you all and see you soon!!! <3 _

* * *

And Gerard woke up 3 hours later at 7:32am with the brightest smile on his face for a long time.


	19. can't find my way home, but it's through you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "but i thought you hated me" 
> 
> tw: past/implied self harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i updated!! <3 
> 
> hope it's okay, this hurt to write to be honest.

And then screaming started all over again the moment Gerard walked through the dark gates. On his way to the place that everything hurt more than ever. Frankie was beside him, squeezing his hand tightly, trying to ease the anxiety coursing through his precious blue veins. 

“I… I can’t do this. I can’t please, I just can’t.” Gerard’s voice was a raw whisper, he was terrified. It had never been this hard before (lies, it always had been), why was it now?

Frank looked over at his angel. “Shh, babe, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’ve got you, remember?”

“Frankie?” Gerard’s eyes were wet with unshed tears, his hands were trembling so badly that Frank gripped them tighter, tapping a soft drumbeat on his love’s scarred wrist.

“Yeah Gee?” He replied softly, making sure he didn’t make him jump. 

“Can, can, we get out of here?”

Frank looked over at his whimpering boyfriend, who was cursing himself over and over and over and over under his breath. The hatred fell from his tongue and swirled into words that stung more than the blade used to. 

“Babe, don’t say that, okay, it’s not true. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing,” Frank held Gee to his heart, trying to get him to breathe with him as they slowly backed out of the suffocating building together. “I’ll be damned if you don’t know that.”

But Frank had never heard Gerard say 3 words that would’ve broken his heart. They would’ve broken his heart because he believed them. He believed them with every ounce of his breaking being. “No, I’m not.”

* * *

Gerard was collapsed on his bed, curled up in a ball as Frank stroked his knotted hair. The tears weren’t stopping and he kept looking over at the little ornate box on his dresser, skin crawling for the release. 

Frank noticed how far away Gee seemed, his eyes were focused on something other than himself so he followed Gerard’s glaze to a small box, a rather pretty box.

What was in there, that was so interesting? Frank gently lifted Gerard’s head off his lap and slipped away to the dresser. Biting his lip in curiosity. 

“Hey, Frankie, what are you-” Gerard stopped as he saw where Frank was. Eyes widening in terror, tears on his cheeks he screamed at his boyfriend.  **“Wait, stop stop stop stop stop stop stop! Don’t open that box, please don’t, please don’t. PLEASE FRANK!”**

But he didn’t hear. It was too late. The box was open and the two small silver blades glared up at Frankie, one still had faded red on it.  “Gerard?” He softly called out, voice breaking like it had done so on the bridge. “What, what are these?”

* * *

But Frank knew he didn’t need to ask, because he too had befriended the slivers of silver at some point. And they had broken him more than his father and stepfather ever had done in the past 16 or so years.

* * *

Gerard’s face fell. “I’m sorry. I’m so so fucking sorry, Frankie, I’m so sorry,” His voice was choked with emotion, and he could hear the tears and terror in his voice.

“Baby… have you- have you hurt yourself? Since I.. since I showed you mine?” Frank was heartbroken, he hated that his Gee hurt himself so badly, that he was so scared to let anyone in. Fuck all those who left him alone. Too many people have done anyways.

* * *

Sobbing, he hastily rolled his sleeves up, baring his forearms to Frankie as he squeezed his eyes closed, not wanting to see the anger, the hatred in his love’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Frank exhaled, a tiny bit relieved. “Why are you apologising? Angel, you haven’t hurt yourself, you haven’t hurt yourself. You’re so strong Geebear, so fucking strong. I love you Gerard, I’m falling motherfucking  head over heels for you.” 

“But, I thought you hated me.” Gerard’s eyes were still closed and he was shaking so badly that Frank found himself unable to help him.

Frank raised his eyebrows, in shock and in hurt. 

Because he understood how it felt to think that no one loved you. How it felt when you were nothing and you knew you were nothing and that you didn’t deserve any of the love anyone showed you. 

But he was also ever so slightly horrified that Gee would ever doubt his love towards him. “You didn’t do anything baby, you didn’t let them in,” Frank’s eyes were tearful as Gee fell into his embrace, nestling his streaked face in his neck.

* * *

“Oh Geebear, I could never hate you.” He kissed his temple gently and ran his fingers over Gee’s scars, making sure that Gerard knew he was beautiful. He hated that Gerard was too scared to not wear a hoodie in case people saw his darkest times. And Frank understood that so well.

“I love you Frank Iero, you saved me.” Gerard whispered through the whimpers.

“You saved me too Gerard, you give me hope, my dear, when I have none at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy December! :) <3 <3


	20. i wanna believe that i will be free (elsewhere)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they need one another.

Gerard was wearing his Green Day shirt, hair no longer red but a soft, hazel brown. 

He looked adorable in Frank’s opinion. 

“Hey angel,” Frank gently nudged his boyfriend awake. “Wakey wakey Gee, we’re meeting your friends - remember?” 

Gerard’s eyes opened reluctantly and he looked lovingly up at his boyfriend. “Ugh, I forgot.” He groaned, grimacing as he rubbed at his eyes. Stretching, grinning weakly at his love, he waved adorably. Gerard noticed Frank’s face fall and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Gee, what’s this?”

Then he remembered when he’d listened to the demons and relapsed. Frank cursed himself, how on earth had he not noticed the fresh, red cuts on the palm of Gerard’s hand?

* * *

**F R E A K**

“Babe…” Frank looked at Gee and pulled the shaking boy into a tight hug. Gerard weakly attempted to manoeuvre himself away.

“Frankie… don’t, please.”

“Don’t what?” Frank whimpered, hands trembling. “Don’t love you?”

* * *

Gerard was crying again - words smothered with emotion. He gestured helplessly, aimlessly, at nothing at all. Gerard didn’t want to look at Frankie. He didn’t want to see the sadness in his soft brown eyes - sadness that killed Gee. Because he knew he was the reason that Frank was so so sad. And, now he hatred himself for another reason. “Frankie…”

“Gee, do you- do you have any idea? Do you have any idea, how-how much I need you?” 

Gerard’s eyes were shut and he was yanking at his hair, tears staining his cheeks. “I, I don’t want to burden you. Frankie, I’m scared I’ll ruin you.” His voice was quiet as it broke into pieces and cracked on the wooden planks of Gee’s floor.

* * *

“Gerard Arthur Way, look at me. Look. At. Me,” Frank gently lifted up his boyfriend’s tear streaked face and pressed his forehead to his, holding him close. He chuckled darkly. “I’m already ruined… But you’re helping me put myself back together. You could never ruin me, you could never burden me either.”

“But-” Gerard whimpered in soft protest.

Frank Iero shook his head, laughing sadly as he pressed a shaking finger on his boyfriend’s lips. “No buts, angel, don’t you dare deny it.”

Gerard nodded, anxiety slightly less, fear dissipating gradually. “Okay,” He smiled crookedly, curling up in Frankie’s lap, tracing the callouses on his fingertips so he could remember all of him, all of them. “I… I really need you too, you know?”

They stayed there what seemed like hours, but in reality it was only a couple of seconds. Then they went off to meet the boys that Gerard hadn’t seen for far too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was awful, i'm so so sorry. but i liked writing it.
> 
> i'm such a shitty author aha <3
> 
> hope you all stay with me <3.
> 
> don't worry if not though, i get it
> 
> Question: would you like for Josh's dog to be in this story, in writing him in but wanted some opinions if possible xxx


	21. it comes and goes in waves (and carries us away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> frankie meets the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so shitty, just a filler chapter - hope you all like it <3

Tyler was stressed. They hadn’t heard from Gerard in quite a while, then all of a sudden he texts them out of the blue? They were relieved to hear from him - hopefully they’ll be alright. What Gee didn’t know though, and Tyler prayed that he wouldn’t be angry at Mikey was that the elder Way boy had been keeping the boys up to date on Gerard and what was going on with him. It’d been 2 months.

* * *

And those 60-ish days had been so hard on them.

* * *

Josh’s anxiety was growing steadily worse day by day, he barely talked anymore and his hands always shook, no matter how hard Tyler held him, no matter how much Joe reassured him; he was always on edge and that broke Tyler’s heart. He’d recently been given an emotional support dog, called Jim and he made Josh smile so much. That made Joe and Ty feel slightly better.

Joe… Joe… He’d always been the kinda kid who would stay out late at clubs, play his guitar so loudly that the floor would shake, always support his friends - he carried all their emotions and troubles on his hunched shoulders and he was okay with it. He put his friends first, if there was such a thing as self-preservation then Joe had never heard of it. Truth was, Trohman despised who he was, he’d cut his hair at least 5 times - kept changing his look.. He needed to be someone other than who he was and no matter how many times his friends told him they loved him - at the end of the day.. When night-time hits it’s just him and the venom in his veins and the smoke in the air. 

Tyler, himself was actually doing alright. Therapy was going brilliantly, although he had his doubts about continuing he was in an okay place and he was slightly proud of himself for that. Although to say he had been worried about Gerard would be a severe understatement in itself. But he could be better, he always could after all.

* * *

But Tyler had Josh. Josh had Tyler. Joe had Tyler and Josh. They all had each other. The straight-haired brunette with drawings on his skin and the shaking drummer with rose-coloured hair were bleeding watercolours in Joe’s seemingly monochromatic world.  

And then Joe had met Andy. And Joe finally had someone who could love him in ways his friend’s were simply unable to. Andy was amazing, he was what Joe needed - they hadn’t actually met him yet, but Joe always came back to Josh’s place with the biggest grin on his face - so they can only assume that he was what Joey needed.

* * *

Gerard was terrified but quite excited to say the least. 

He recognised Josh’s trademark pink-red hair and the black lines (drawn - because otherwise his parents would lose it, let’s be honest here) around Tyler’s paling wrist. He recognised Joe’s brown curls and his silly grin as another boy had his arms wrapped around him, kissing his temple and smiling softly as he held him.

He ran over, Frank’s feet gently patting the ground as he attempted to catch up to his boyfriend. “Geebear, wait up!”

* * *

Joe saw Gerard running to them and his face broke out in the widest grin. “Hey Gee!” The moment the brunette was within Joe’s proximity he literally pounced on his friend and hugged him so tightly that Gerard found himself struggling to breathe. But in a good way - because he was loved so much by Joe and they gave him  **reason** to breathe.

“Hi guys!” Gerard relaxed almost instantly and fell into his friend’s arms. Not flinching away like he usually did. He carefully backed away, grinning crookedly at his friends before pressing a gentle kiss, weighted with love, to his boyfriend’s temple.

Frank smiled softly, biting his lip nervously. “Hi, I’m Frank Iero.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated as always my frens. <3 
> 
> love you all. xo
> 
> stay strong. stay alive, for me. |-/


	22. please lead me out of the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> frank is terrified
> 
> tw: past/implied sexual assault, past sexual abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeee I'm back, hope you didn't forget me <3

Frank was so scared, these were Gee’s friends, they meant everything to him. Fuck, he really can’t afford to mess up like he always does. 

His hands were shaking, why were his stupid hands shaking? They need to stop. 

He needs to stop. 

**He needs all of this to fucking stop.**

* * *

**** Gerard looked worriedly towards his boyfriend, the anxiety was radiating from him in strong waves and he was tapping a rhythm over the scarred skin of his forearms. And so the boy with newly-brown hair went to his love’s side, wrapping a comforting arm around his waist, squeezing his clammy hands tightly so that he could gradually breathe again. 

“Frankie babe, breathe with me, okay?” Gerard whispered softly, his voice was warm on Frank’s cold neck. “I’ve got you, I promise.”

The smaller boy nodded quickly, releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in. “Okay.”

* * *

Joe looked at the boy who had introduced himself, with a shaking hand, as Frank Iero. He was pretty cute, kudos to Gee - but he was always on the lookout for something, for someone, what exactly, Joe didn’t know. But he seemed to be good for Gerard and vice versa and that made Trohman smile because Gerard needed someone. 

“So Frank,” Joe smiled softly, making sure the kid knew he was welcome. “What do you like to do for fun?”

“I, I play guitar sometimes-” He stuttered.

At this, Gerard’s head snapped up. “You play?” He asked his boyfriend quietly.

Frank nodded, quickly. “Sorry, um, it must’ve slipped my mind.” He laughed, but it was clearly forced. He wasn’t telling them something. What was going on?

* * *

Shit, Frank thought he’d escaped them all the day he’d left New Jersey. He recognised the guy standing across the street from them. It couldn’t be him - he thought they’d all abandoned the man who hurt him the day Frank and his mother (who was then sober) had left New York. 

He was desperate to not fall down back into the past, into the memories that all blurred by as the breath was snatched from his lungs by rough, hurting fingers that didn’t stop even when he screamed for them to. 

Frank could still feel his hands all over his body, pinning him down to the already bloody floorboards as he forced his way into his bruised form. He could feel him all over, he could feel all of them.

* * *

And he was fucking terrified.

He prayed the man who hurt him hadn’t noticed the smaller boy.

But then he looked up at Frankie.

And smiled knowingly.

“See you later Iero!” He shouted. “Long time no see!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just need to let you guys know, I'm away for 10 days for the Christmas holidays and leave this coming Thursday, therefore I'm unsure as to how regular the updates will be and I apologise in advance. I'll probably write a shit ton on the plane though so we'll see what happens. 
> 
> Hope this chapter was okay?
> 
> Merry Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas, then Happy December! <3
> 
> Much love xo
> 
> ~~~


	23. can i help you not to hurt anymore?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he needs his gee so so badly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologise for this in advance...
> 
> tw: sexual abuse

Andy Hurley had his arms wrapped around his boyfriend, lovingly pecking his cheek as Joe giggled. He hadn’t felt this good, not since the day he’d bumped into Trohman in the corridors and had simply been too shy to ask him out. 

He was smaller than Joe, which they laughed about since the red-head was so protective over his boyfriend.

But something was up with the kid they had just met. His name’s Frank? Quiet kid and he looked very nervous, his hands had been shaking so badly that Gerard had gripped them so he wouldn't be scared.

Andy could tell it didn't cease his terror.

* * *

There was a man who was staring at Frank. His eyes seemed almost empty. Devoid of feeling. Rimmed with red. Guy was probably an addict. 

Andy gently went to Frank’s side - his anxiety was increasing second by fucking second as the man who stared at him began to cross the road and head over to the boys. 

“Hey,” Andy whispered in the small guitarists ear, “Are you alright Iero?” 

“It's Andy, right?” Frank asked quietly. Andy nodded discreetly, as Frank’s heartbeat got quicker and quicker. “I need to get out of here. Now. Please.”

But before Andy could reply, Frank was gone from beside him and running away from the approaching figure. He ran as fast as he could yet his lungs screamed, Frank kept on going. Much to the other boys’ shock.

* * *

Frank had begged to go far too late. 

He was here. “Hello, Frankie, how have you been?” The words were slurred, with a dark malicious undertone. 

Iero found that he simply couldn't talk. He was paralysed. “Please. Leave me alone...” Frank’s voice cracked, trailing off into nothingness, into silence. 

The man from his past, laughed, but it was an evil one. He roughly gripped Frank’s chin with scary hands and wrenched the kid’s tearful face to his. “What did I tell you to call me, Frankie?” This is why Frank only let Gerard call him Frankie. 

“I’m sorry, Sir.” Frank willed himself not to cry, he didn’t want this to happen again. He was safe with Gee. He needed Gee. He needed his Gerard.

* * *

“That’s better, Frankie,” The man wrapped his arm around Frank’s throat and torso, another hand covering the squirming boy’s mouth as he dragged him down the alleyway before him. Frank weakly tried to punch the alcoholic but was greeted by a hand to the face. He slapped the crying boy again, until the moment he raised his hands in protest, and was there on all fours, fear making his entire body shake. The man smiled gleefully. 

“It’s been far too long, you see?” 

“Please no.” The young boy begged, screams making his already raw throat, from the tears, increasingly sore by the second.

“Shhh,” He shushed Frank, almost gently. Or at least Frank hoped it was gentle, but he knew it was anything but. “Now, be a good boy..”

Then he closed his eyes. And heard a zipper being pulled down.

* * *

And then he was hurt all over again in a alleyway that was devoid of light, unlike the street right in front of it.

He thought it was over.

He wanted it to be over.

He fell to pieces all over again. 

_ Please, Gerard babe, I need you. I need you. I need you. I’m scared Gee. So scared. _

_ I love you. _

_ I’m sorry. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yay! I got a chapter (that i think is okay) out before I fly tomorrow! I hope you enjoy and I'll see if I'm able to update this while I'm away, if I'm not, then I'm sorry <3 
> 
> This chapter really hurt to write. I'm very sorry for this.
> 
> Merry Christmas you guys, love you all.
> 
> xo


	24. all these voices in my head get loud (i wish that i could shut them out)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is he's right? 
> 
> Oh my dear.. he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on the plane earlier in a state of sadness, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Hope its okay. 
> 
> tw: sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, suicidal tendencies

“WHERE THE ACTUAL FUCK IS FRANK IERO?”

It was an absolute understatement in itself to say that Gerard was… worried. He was screaming, helplessness and hopelessness consumed him.

But he could not let it pull him under for fucks sake. He needed to be… he needed to be in control in order to find Frankie.

He needed Ray to hold him.  
He needed Mikey to whisper anything, anything but what the darkness shrieked at him.

* * *

He knew he shouldn't have let Frankie out of his sight - he was too busy talking and catching up with Tyler and Josh. Who were together now - but their relationship didn't come as a surprise to Gerard.

* * *

But he knows that right now, he doesn't matter. Their priority is finding Frankie. Shakily reaching for his phone in the back pocket of his jeans he dialed the number of the person who could help him.

“Ray? I need you. Bring Mikey, please?”

And then Gerard Way blindly fled down the same path that Andy said Frank had ran only mere moments earlier.

* * *

Frank's throat throbbed as the man forced himself into the boy's mouth. He was incredibly violent with his movements; constantly striking the boy down each time he slowed.

The broken boy's body writhed in protest as the air was snatched from him and he tried desperately not to choke.

* * *

~~~~“You little slut,” the monster cackled, pulling out for a moment. The moment grew longer as he yanked Frank's hair with dirty fingers, knotting it and ruining it. “Suck it you bitch.”

Frank shook his head urgently. Whimpering no under his breath. “No. Sir I don't want to.”

There was silence. “What the hell did you just say to me?”

* * *

Frank grinned triumphantly to himself. He kept his voice steady as he replied. “I said no.”

“Oh Frankie,” the scary man cooed, voice sickingly sweet. “It doesn't work that way. You know it doesn't Frankie.”

“Don't call me that. Don't you fucking dare call me that.” He was  
growing more defiant by the second.

Yet this new-found strength, this new-found defiance stopped the moment the man looked at him again. His eyes burned the same way they had done when his stepfather had had this man and others over.

They had done things to him.  
Things he wanted to forget so badly.

But he could never forget it.

He could never forget the night he had his innocence snatched from him at the age of 7.

* * *

_It was the first anniversary of his father's death. Frank was 7 now. But the memory still clung to him as if it had been yesterday._

_He wearily walked down the stairs, limping, his left leg was all fucked up from the bullies at school. They'd cornered him the moment Alex, Jack, Ri and Zack had went their way home and Frankie his._

_They'd told his what his Dad used to say. Before he had left Frankie all alone with only the bruises coating his body and the scars of his mind to keep him company. His mother hadn't cared as much as she had done before they lost his Dad. Before his mother lost her husband._

_They screamed what his stepfather screamed at him every evening. And he didn't care. Because everything was blurry. Everything hurt. Everything was bad._

_The only thing that wasn't blurry, that didn't hurt, that wasn't bad was his friends._

_His guardian angels._

_His distraction from the fresh bruises and wounds lining his young form._

_And he was still there on the staircase. He didn't want to go in._

_But then his stepfather called for him. And Frankie dreaded the consequences._

_So with his head low and his eyes downcast, he entered them room._

_And fell to pieces all over again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this. 
> 
> Merry Christmas guys.  
> Xo


	25. i can't seem to find myself again, my walls are closing in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Help
> 
> tw: sexual abuse, suicidal thoughts

Ray wasted no time in fleeing past the cluster of shaking boys to find the kid who needed help.

He was running as fast as his legs could carry him, Mikey was holding a sobbing Gerard back as he thrashed about in his elder brother's grip. Screaming to go and see his love. To save him.

Because they were all well aware of the fact that Gee needed Frank. And that Frank needed Gee.

But what if something worse (than Ray assumed was occurring) happened if Gee came to destroy the monster with his fists and words and fury? They couldn't help but worry.

“Be careful Toro!” Mikey called out, voice tinged with worry that he tried (and failed) to hide from his brother. His tearful, hurting wreck of a brother.

“Don't worry Mikey, I will, I promise,” Ray softly replied, stopping to gently cup his boyfriend’s cheek which was wet with tears. “I'll be back very soon. I love you.”

* * *

Frank had never been so happy to see another human being in his life. The monster had since disappeared after breaking the boy for far too long. He hadn't stopped. And it got worse each time.

His throat was so sore he was rendered unable to talk - whimpering softly as each swallow sent a throb that settled in his bones.

He deserved all of it. The man from his past had been right after all.

He was a fucking slut.  
He was worthless.  
He was nothing.  
He was fucking retarded.

And he was hurting. Why couldn't all of this just fucking stop? He needs it to stop so badly. Then he would stop hurting. Then he'd be okay again.

Why did he have to have the stupid memories in his brain? Why couldn't they just leave him the FUCK ALONE?

Why did Gerard choose him of all people?

 ** _You don't deserve him_**.

“I know.” Frank whimpered aloud. His heart shattered as the truth finally sunk in.

He did not deserve Gerard Way.

* * *

Ray was careful as he approached the crying, whimpering boy curled up in the alleyway. He didn't want to scare him. He was already terrified, the kid was virtually catatonic.

He assumed this was Frank. The kid who had saved Gerard and won his heart in the process. The kid whom Gee saved in return. And they'd fallen in love.

* * *

Frank was busted up badly. His hair was an absolute mess and there was a wound coated in dried blood just above his temple. His eyes were half-closed. Arms littered with scars and bruises. Some of which seemed to be recent and that heightened Ray’s already bad anxiety. Iero seemed to be out of his state of near catatonia as his entire hunched form was trembling.

It was extremely quiet. Eerily so.

* * *

Ray gently walked over to him, checking every second to see if it was okay. Well it wasn't okay but he needed to be sure that he wasn't making things worse for Frank than they already were.

“Is it okay if I walk to you?”

Frank nodded quickly and only once.

The moment Ray was beside the shaking boy, Frank cried into Ray’s shoulder and the hurt wouldn't stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas guys. Thank you for reading and sticking with me. 
> 
> Much love xo


	26. it's hard to be brave when you're alone (in the dark)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please say something. Please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you had a wonderful Christmas, if you don't celebrate then I hope you're doing okay and looking after yourselves. 
> 
> I drafted the intro to this at least five times at 4:30 yesterday morning. Fun. I'm happiest with this version.

Then the snow fell.

And it soothed the tornado in Frank’s mind. Ceased the burning and throbbing in his throat. Washed away the blood in his matted and coating his temple. He looked to Ray, his brown eyes lighter than they had been in forever. “It's snowing!”

He seemed to be in awe of the cold flakes, landing and numbing his calloused fingertips. Ray smiled to  
himself. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Wincing, Frank tried to stand, legs shaking quickly he found himself falling forward on already scratched knees. Crying out from the impact, Ray hoisted the trembling boy in his protective embrace.

“Where are we going?” He asked Ray gently - fearing the boy he trusted but didn't at the same time would hurt him.

“Back to Gee.” Ray’s face lit up when he saw the relief clear on Frank’s face and wrapped him tighter in his embrace, trying to save him from the cold - cold he didn't need anymore of.

Frank exhaled, his body still shook as he felt the bruises, the cuts, he was unaware of begin to hurt.

They stung. They hurt like hell.

He was sick of hurting. He was sick of it.

* * *

Gerard had burst into tears the moment Ray and Frank had come into his line of blurred vision.

The smaller boy had froze the moment Gee had wrapped his arms around him. “Hey Frankie.” He had whispered.

He wasn't to know that hadn't been the right move. No one was.

Because then everything went to hell once more.

* * *

Frank was writhing around in Jack’s strong, solid embrace. He was whimpering in protest as Mikey and Ray tried to clean his wounds. He only let Ray lie even a fingertip on his freezing, painful skin.

The skin, the prison, he found himself trapped in at that.

He hadn't been this bad since he had tried to jump that night. The night before the two had confessed their love for each other. Gerard was frightened, he was fucking terrified.   
Frank was slipping in and out of a seemingly infinite state of catatonia.

His eyes were shut. Gerard didn't want his love to hurt. He just wanted to take all his hurt anyway.

But he couldn't.

* * *

Frank was falling. Into nothingness. He was losing control, control he thought he had. And everything hurt. His cuts. His bruises. His mind. His head. His body.

Every part of him was smothered in a soft dull throb. And he wanted it to stop.

He wanted to run his fingers through Gee’s soft hair, feel his fingers entwined in his, feel his body close to his own. He wanted Gerard but he was too scared.

And he found himself unable to stop falling.

* * *

Gee was crying. Mikey tried to calm his baby brother down, but he was a mess. Ray had discreetly removed the blades from Gerard's dresser because of an inkling he had. He had prayed he was incorrect.

But then he had seen the red cuts on Gee’s wrist. They were in the process of healing, from what Ray could tell. But nonetheless they were recent. And that broke his heart.

* * *

“Please open your eyes angel,” Gerard was crying, body trembling with each sob. The moon was starting to fade, the sun was beginning to rise.

“I said to you that we’d talk when the moon says goodbye, do you remember that angel?”

There was no response.

“You told me I was something. Do you remember the night we kissed, you held me and we waited. For the sun. We waited for something. For anything. We had each other and we loved each other.”

Nothing.

“I love you Frank Iero. I'll wait. I'll never leave you. You're my everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay. 
> 
> Stay alive for me <3


	27. it's not fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first.. Thank you for 1050 on this. 
> 
> To come back to my page to update this and see a number with four digits, to say I was surprised is an understatement in itself. I never though anything i wrote could get even 100 hits and you've all proved me wrong. 
> 
> Thank you all so so much from the bottom of my heart. <3

**“Can I help you,**  
**Not to hurt anymore?**  
**We saw brilliance when the world was asleep**  
**There are things that we can have**  
**But can't keep.”**

* * *

Frank opened his eyes, Gerard's words ringing about his haunted skull. He knew he had to be here for Gee - because the two of them needed each other. “I love you Frank Iero. I'll wait. I'll never leave you. You're my everything.”

Would he really stay? After all of this? Would he love him in the same way?

Wincing, he tried to sit up, his bruised ribs screaming in the process. Biting fiercely on his lip, he felt it bleed. The bitter, metallic taste of blood overwhelmed his senses as he finally hoisted himself into a cross-legged position on the mattress.

The sunlight streamed through the window, frost outlined the pane. It was a cold morning. Cursing under his breath, he feverishly hugged himself tighter - oblivious to the bandages and plasters covering his paling, bruised torso and arms.

He realised he was in Gerard's room. Well, he assumed he was by the battered acoustic beside the crumpled Queen poster on his charcoal-navy walls. There was a line of Polaroids hanging from his cork board. He recognised the kids with Gee.. It was Joe, Ty and Josh.

They'd been lovely, from what time he'd had with them, until…

Frank flinched, muttering aloud to himself he chuckled darkly.

“Let's not even go there.”

* * *

Mikey had been sleeping against the wall for most of the morning. He decided to keep an eye on Frank while Ray took G aside.

Gerard had been a mess and Ray, a nervous wreck. He'd been hearing muffled crying and hurting questions and careful words from the kitchen for a while.

The elder Way boy scrolled through his phone, quickly texting Ray.

* * *

_**3:46am, moikes:** I know you didn't know, and I'm sorry. I meant to tell you but it wasn't my place._

 

_**3:47am, frofro:** it's bad Mikey, he's been cutting dangerously deep._

 

_**3:47am, moikes:** wait,,,,,, he relapsed?_

 

_**3:48am, frofro:** this has happened before, Mikey, why didn't you tell me_

 

_**3:49am, moikes:** he was scared you'd hate him_

 

_**3:50am, frofro:** it's my fault I should've known fuck babe_

 

_**3:51am, moikes:** do we have the right supplies to take care of g?_

 

_**3:53am, frofro:** no I don't think so, this is really really bad he could've died shit_

 

_**3:54am, moikes:** babe breathe with me. take him to the ER if you think that's better_

 

_**3:55am, frofro:** good point, we're gonna head off now sweets. you gonna tell Frank?  <3 xxx_

_**3:56am, moikes:** yes, it'll be worse if he never knew. I'll tell him when he wakes up okay. Drive well Toro. Take care of my gee  <3 <3_

 

_**3:57am, frofro:** I agree way, I shall. Love you.  <3_

 

_**3:58am, moikes:** see you sunshine. Love you too  <3_

* * *

“Hey Frank,” Mikey gently opened the door, steaming mugs of hot chocolate in his hands as he stumbled gracefully in. “Everything okay for you?”

Frank didn't reply for a second, simply looking at nothing as he held the hot beverage with shaking hands. “The monster found me, didn't he?” His tone was even, yet it wavered as he tried to keep it together.

“I'm so sorry sweetheart, he did. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve it. No one does.”

Frank didn't reply. Mikey made to leave, maybe he didn't need the older boy right now, maybe -

“Mikey,” The smaller boy softly called his name. “Could you, could you stay with me, please? I don't wanna be alone right now.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually like proud of this chapter? I hope you all liked it.  
> Thank you for staying with me. 
> 
> Stay alive for me <3
> 
> Happy new year xxx


	28. crawling in my skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray talks.

**“these wounds they will not heal**   
**fear is how I fall,**   
**confusing what is real.**   
**there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface**   
**consuming, confusing.**   
**this lack of self-control**   
**I fear is never ending.”**

* * *

The rain was almost deafening. Thunder boomed around the boy with the deadly secrets coating his forearms. He flinched at each bang, the noise reducing him to a nervous wreck. Ray looked over at Gerard, the boy had been crying and kept yanking his sleeves over his arms.

“Hey Gee,” Ray gently smiled. “Do you want me to pull over?”

“No, it's okay.” He shook his head.

Ray pulled over anyway, lifting his already ruined jacket over his head, he ran into the small store. Throwing himself back into the car, he handed Gerard a takeaway cup. “It's hot chocolate, hope you like it.” Shivering, he turned up the heater.

Gerard smiled gratefully. It was his most sincere, real, smile for a while. “Thanks Ray.”

“Anytime sweetheart.” Ray grinned, gently ruffling the boy’s hair before they set off to the Emergency Room once more.

* * *

Gerard was curled up beside Toro, the elder boy looked lovingly at him. “Gee, I need to see again, is that okay?”

The brunette looked away, eyes downcast. Shame evident in his features. “I suppose so.” He offered his arms to Ray who gently rolled the sleeves up, careful not to hurt him.

“Oh sweetie,” He didn't touch the wounds, he knew Gerard hated it. He must feel so exposed. “Can I tell you something?” Ray softly asked.

Gerard looked up. His eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and slight anxiety. “Go ahead.”

* * *

“I, I used to hurt myself,” Ray rolled up his own sleeves, the scars were so pale that they were barely visible. But Gerard could see them and he was shocked.

“My folks, they were extremely homophobic, abusive as well. Mum just stood there while my father hit me over and again. It went on for a long time, up until the day I said “fuck this.” I packed a bag, grabbed my acoustic and I left.

When I left I was, what, 16? So I had been cutting for the previous few years. I was an absolute mess. I used to busk, and there were the usuals who listened for a while. And then there was a boy. Your brother, Gerard. He saved me.”

* * *

Gerard looked at Ray. “Does Mikey know?”

Ray nodded, smiling sadly. “I get flashbacks sometimes which are terrible. Wake up screaming most nights.”

“Is that why you guys go away so often?”

“Yeah, sweetie we don't want you to worry.”

Gerard curled up closer to his brother's everything. “Ray? He softly asked.

“Yeah hon?”

“You saved Mikey too. I hope you know that.”

And Gerard fell asleep in the crying boy’s arms as they waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so so much for sticking with me, all the kindness, comments and kudos mean everything to me 
> 
> Stay alive |-/  
> Happy new year, I hope 2018 is kinder <33


	29. there is a light in the dark (and i feel its warmth)

**“In my hands, and my heart**

**why can't I hold on?**

**it comes and goes in waves,**

**it always does, it always does”**

* * *

**** “You know the story we used to tell of Mikes and I meeting in the aisle of a supermarket?” Ray’s smile was heavy. 

Gerard nodded. “Yeah. I do, you don't stop telling it,” He softly laughed, but stopped suddenly when he realised. “It never happened, did it?” 

The curly haired guitarist shook his head. “We wish it did.”

“Looking back on it, I don't even remember you being around when I was a kid.” He bit his lip. 

“Well, Mikey would invite me round for projects occasionally but other than that, we never really noticed each other. We got closer when we got older, then one night…” Ray closed his eyes. 

Gee raised his eyebrows. Ray never stopped mid-sentence… 

What the fuck was going on in his head?

* * *

“Ray?” Gerard softly whispered. He patted the boy's shoulder.

Toro flinched away from the touch, trying to act like he hadn't just reacted in such a troubling way. Like he hadn't flinched away from Gerard's hand. “Hey Gee,” his smile was agonisingly fake. “Just blanked out for a second there.” 

“What happened that night?” He didn't need Ray keeping secrets from him as well.  

“What do you mean?” 

“You just stopped talking.. what happened?” 

“Sweets, I don't want to talk about it.” Ray yanked at his hair in fear. 

“Ray, please, maybe you'll feel better for talking and-” Gerard pleaded, but he was well aware of how selfish he seemed.

* * *

“I said I didn't want to talk about it!” 

The younger boy blinked. Ray never shouted. He decided not to push any further, because he clearly wasn't helping. “I'm sorry.” 

The older boy looked sadly at the brunette. “No, I should be the one saying sorry. That was a dick move from me,” Ray chuckled, his laugh empty. “I'll talk, but are you absolutely sure you wanna know?”

Gerard felt Ray hold him tighter. The guitarist exhaled in the rare silence of the usual crowded Emergency Room which was now anything but. 

“I need to know.” 

“Okay,” Ray whispered. “Can you, can you please hold my hand?” His hands were shaking violently. And they didn't show any signs of stopping. 

“Of course.” Gerard's voice was gently, soft and it sliced through the bad swirling round Toro’s head.

* * *

“My father, one night he came home… and I wasn’t there. I think I was in the local store, doing my saturday shift so I could save up for this good quality acoustic. You can imagine his fury when he walked past in drunken stupor and saw his “fucking faggot of a son” anywhere but where he was supposed to be. That night, when I finally came home.. Everything went black and I woke up in the storeroom of the bookshop Mikey used to work in. Keep in mind, at the time I’d ran away - but my father was harassing me constantly. Fuck, I hated it so much.”

Gerard was heartbroken. “What happened then?” 

“We called the cops. He can’t hurt me or any of us ever again.”

“You’re so brave.”

Before Ray could reply or Gerard could say anything else, a nurse called the smaller boy’s name. “Is Gerard Way here?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so bad guys :(
> 
> happy new year, here's hoping 2018 is kinder to all of us <3


	30. i would say i'm sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "it'll all come together"
> 
> tw: self harm, past self harm, implied suicide attempt

**_“But I really need to go_ **  
**_I just wanted you to know_ **  
**_that the world is ugly,_ **  
**_but you're beautiful to me.”_ **

* * *

Gerard was anxious the entire time he was seated in the small room. “I really hate small spaces.” He tried to laugh it off, but he was rigid, frozen in place.

“It’s okay, kiddo.. What’s your name sweetie?” The nurse didn’t judge the cuts on Gerard’s arms, even the ones that were on the brink of being deadly almost.

“It’s, umm, it’s Gerard, Gerard Way.” He whispered softly.

“That’s a lovely name, hon,” She smiled, but her face fell when she saw the fear on his face. “It’s okay, don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you, I’m not angry at you for doing this, it’s okay hon. It’s okay.”

“But, ma’am, it isn’t!” He raised his voice ever so slightly, squinting his eyes closed in desperation.

“But it will be.” She replied gently as she began to clean the wounds and bandage them as carefully as she could.

* * *

Ray looked over at his boyfriends’ baby brother. He was glaring at the wounds on his arm with burning anger. Anger directed at himself. But he had no need to be angry, but Ray understood completely why he was.

Soon enough, the cuts were covered in layers of bandage, to keep them safe and make sure they didn’t get infected. With shaking hands, the nurse handed Ray a clean roll of bandages and a small bag of disinfectant and the like.

* * *

“Just in case he needs it.” She pressed it into his open hand.

Gerard was hunched over, he didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want to be here, he didn't want to do anything. All he could feel was how irritated and itchy the healing scars on his paling skin were. Ray was beside him and all of a sudden he was being hugged tightly by the elder boy. Gee relaxed into his arms, they were strong and secure and safe.

* * *

Ray was home. Mikey was home.

Frank? He was everything.

* * *

“I can give you the number of a friend of mine if you like? So you have someone to talk to?” She asked Gee and Ray.

Ray shook his head, grateful for the offer. “Don't worry Miss, it's okay. Thank you - but we've got it from here.”

* * *

She was an elder lady, when she smiled her eyes lit up. A golden wedding band was securely on her finger. The nurse, whose name they learnt was Angela looked over to Gerard.

“My son used to hurt himself.”

He looked up. “He did?”

She nodded, wiping at her eyes, choking on the words. “I had no idea, no idea how much he was hurting.. until he left me. Forever. My baby's gone.” And then she cried and Gerard wrapped her in her arms.

She reminded him of his grandmother, Elena. He hated seeing her sad. “I'm sorry, miss. I'm so sorry for your loss.”

Angela gripped his hands with her bony ones. “Please don't do anything stupid, Gerard. Please don't.”

* * *

He couldn't promise that he wouldn't right now.

All he could do is try.

“I'll try, okay?”

And she hugged him, then Ray and bid the two boys farewell as they ran to the car through the heavy rain all around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for sticking with me. 
> 
> thank you for everything guys. 
> 
> this story has a long road ahead, I hope you stay with me for it. 
> 
> <3
> 
> also lmao this chapter was fuckin awful I'm so sorry everything is going wrong at the moment and it's only been 2???? days and 2018 is already shite haha
> 
> but I can play the kids from yesterday all the way through on my electric guitar so that's cool.


	31. we all are living in a dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gerard can't wake up.
> 
> frank keeps him safe.
> 
> mikey breaks ray's heart by accident all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm (scratching), suicidal thoughts, emotional abuse, name-calling

**“but life ain't what it seems**

**oh everything's a mess**

**and all these sorrows I have seen**

**they lead me to believe**

**that everything's a mess”**

* * *

**** Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. 

**_WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP_ **

**_YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP YOU WASTE OF OXYGEN FUCKUP NOTHING PIECE OF SHIT DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE_ ** **_  
_ ** **_THEY’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE. LISTEN. TO. ME. YOU ARE RUINING ALL OF THEM. NO ONE LOVES YOU YOU FUCKING WHORE._ **

**_JUST DIE. JUST DIE. JUST DIE. JUST DIE. JUST STOP._ **

* * *

**** Gerard didn’t remember falling asleep on the couch the moment he fell through the door, he didn’t remember ripping all his bandages off in a fit of anger, a fit of burning self hatred. He didn’t remember Mikey soothing Frank as he watched his boyfriend self-destruct all over again.    
  
He didn’t remember Ray helping him to his too-dark, too-scary room. He didn’t remember Frank’s fear when he wrapped his own arms around Gerard, careful not to break him. 

He didn’t remember turning the sheets crimson with the blood that was no longer covered by the white cloths coating his forearms and wrists.

He didn’t remember Frank trying to hold him, but Gerard flinched away, thinking he was undeserving of Frank’s love. He didn’t remember Frank trying once more, before realising Gerard wasn’t in the right place. 

He didn’t remember Mikey coming in and trying to check on Gerard.

* * *

Gerard was hovering in limbo, he was in the state of wanting death but being scared shitless of it at the same time. His brain was a jagged, dark mess of fear, anxiety, stress, hurting. He could feel the invisible hands of the shadows wrapped around his throat, the seemingly infinite suffocation hitting him once more.

* * *

What Gerard hadn’t realised, was that he was asleep. 

The nightmares were closing in on him - he was fucking frozen. This time, when Frank nervously entered, his heart breaking for his love, Gerard didn’t flinch away. In fact, he fell into Frank’s open arms, whimpering and pleading and begging for something. For all the hurt to just stop. 

Frankie wiped the tears from his shaking boyfriend’s face, pressing his chapped, dry lips to his temple. “Shush, Geebear, shhh, shhh,” He quieted his love, trying to calm them both down.

In a fit of pure terror, Gerard found himself hastily, roughly scratching at the healing scars on his pale skin. 

Frank instantly, yet carefully, gripped Gerard’s hands in his, making sure he didn’t self destruct again. He stroked his soft, brown hair, inhaled the scent of Gerard as the younger boy nestled his head in Frank’s neck - the whimpers and pleas grew softer second by second, hands shaking less ferociously now.

“I’ve got you baby, I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” His voice was the antidote Gerard craved to the swirling venom coursing through his veins. 

Gerard’s eyes opened, they were no longer innocent, instead he looked haunted. His face was sunken, eyes rimmed red. “Frankie?” His voice broke. “You’re here, with me? You’re okay now?” 

“Of course Geebear, I’ll be here as long as my heart beats, I promise you sweets.”

“But you’re okay now? Or better, at least?” Gerard smiled a small, hopeful yet broken smile. Holding Frank’s hands to show that he was in control of his own mind once more, the urge to hurt had passed.

“I think I am - now I’m with you.”

* * *

Mikey was sitting in the dimly-lit kitchen, relaxing into Ray’s embrace. “How was it?” He took a swig from the can of beer in front of him - Ray worriedly eased the can from his shaking hands before it could touch his lips.

“Don’t Mikey, please don’t start again.” Ray’s voice was soft, nervous. 

“Are you _that fucking_ _stupid_ , Toro? Don’t give me this bullshit when my brother and his boyfriend are losing their minds upstairs. I don’t need this from you. You don’t even know what they’re going through for God’s sake!” He punched the table, seeing red, he kept screaming at Ray. 

Because Ray could take it all on. Toro had no self-preservation. Mikey cursed his quiet boyfriend. Ray looked away, ashamed to make eye-contact, hurt evident on his features.  Ray knew he really was  _ that fucking stupid _ to quote his love, Mikey. Mikey hurt him sometimes, but he knew it was the alcohol talking. He knew it. He didn’t really think this, did he?

* * *

“But” Ray’s voice wavered from the sudden tears that burnt his eyes. “I do know. I do Mikey, you forget.”

The blond-haired boy realised his mistake. He was no longer seeing red, all he could see was his Ray, crying because of him. Crying because Mikey hurt him. Again.

“Shit, sweets, I didn’t mean it, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Ray hugged him, still hurt but he knew that he had to hide the bottles and cans from Mikey. For all their sakes.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Mikey was annoyed at himself. 

“I love you Mikes.”    
  
Mikey stroked Ray’s poofy afro, pecking his cheek. “I love you too, I really really do Toro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,, im doing a little better which is good - mood swings are more erratic then ever and im struggling to write so updates will be slow im so sorry
> 
> i hope this chapter was good enough guys.
> 
> thanks for sticking with me, means a lot.
> 
> <3 stay alive.


	32. walking in the rain, the feeling comes again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>you'll be okay<<
> 
> >>i should be the one saying that sweets<<

**“something in my head**

**tells me i’m nothing**

**sorry and ashamed**

**all the lies i couldn’t face**

**always been afraid**

**of who i am.”**

* * *

**** Ray gently bandaged Gerard’s forearms again, clipping them in place, putting butterfly bandages over the smaller scratches to avoid infection. He’d done this far too many times to his own wounds over the years. 

Gerard’s eyes opened slowly. “Hey Ray.” 

Ray smiled softly. “Heyo Gee.”

Gerard stretched, noticing the bandages - he was careful not to ruin them again. “Thank you.” 

The older boy looked at the younger. “Why on earth are you thanking me Gerard?” 

Gerard curled into Ray’s arms, looking up at him. “Because you do so much for all of us. You’re putting our lives, our minds before your own. You helped me out even after I ripped them off and undid all the hard work the nurse and you did.” 

Ray avoided eye contact, fiddling with the hem of his loose shirt. “It’s my pleasure Gee,” He smiled sadly. Gerard was heartbroken to find the usually happy boy with tears in his eyes. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’ll be okay now.” 

“What do you mean?” Gerard’s face fell as he the words hit him. 

“I’ll be okay now, Gerard. You’ll all be.” Ray’s voice was unsteady, he was nervous it would betray him. 

“But,” Gerard’s voice cracked, “We need you.” He hastily rubbed at his eyes as he felt his heart fall to pieces in his chest. 

Ray said quiet. He didn’t know what words to use that would be enough. So he held Gee tighter to his chest.

And said nothing at all.

* * *

Ray felt his eyes closing, he’d been awake for so long now that he’d lost track. Of the days, the nights in which the demons grew louder and the memories destroyed him. Gerard helped him to the couch - nearest to where they had been. His head rested on the pillow, blanket pulled over his shaking form, he felt Gerard sit down beside him. 

“Hey Ray,” The older boy felt a hand on his shoulder. “You’ll be okay.” 

Toro laughed sadly. “I should be the one telling you that sweets.” 

“You don’t need to tell me. I think I will be, someday. I’ll wait, how does that sound?”

“That, Gerard, is more than I could ever ask.” He pecked the kid’s temple, wiping tears from his face. 

“I need you to promise me something, okay, please?” 

“Go on sweets, I’m listening.” He hoped his relaxed tone did enough to mask the anxiety that coursed through his precious, fragile blue veins. 

“Stay for me, stay for Mikey, stay for Frankie. Stay for yourself. We’ll be here always. Always and forever.” 

Ray looked to the boy, “I can’t make promise something like that,” Gerard’s face fell. “But I’ll try, that I can promise you Geebear - that I can promise.” 

Gerard didn’t say anything. They sat there, in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, close to one another. 

“Can I sing you a song?” Gerard’s voice was hesitant but hopeful at the same time. 

“Of course.”

* * *

_ “I couldn’t help but ask _

_ For you to say it all again. _

_ I tried to write it down _

_ But I could never find a pen. _

_ I’d give anything to hear _

_ You say it one more time, _

_ That the universe was made _

_ Just to be seen by my eyes. _

_ With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite _

_ How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.” _

* * *

Ray slept soundly for the first time in a while that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lyrics from: the lost and the brave by ray toro (beautiful song) and saturn by sleeping at last 
> 
> thank you for sticking with me and this story - it means everything.
> 
> question: do you all look forward to these updates? if so, then thank you for being such loyal readers, i never thought i was worthy of such idk kindness and the like <3


	33. these bright lights have always blinded me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he knew they were right after all.
> 
> tw: past self harm, self-destructive habits, past addictions

**“i say i see you**

**lying next to me**

**with words i thought i'd never speak**

**awake and unafraid**

**asleep or dead”**

* * *

****“Rise and shine, baby brother!” Mikey shouted in Gerard’s ear, voice shaking and slurred.

“Hey Mikes.” Gerard woke up, smiling. He never woke up smiling, what the fuck?

Frank was curled up in his arms, snoring softly. His dark hair ruffled and matted and he had taken most of the duvet. Like usual. He looked lovingly down at his boyfriend, holding him tighter. Gee put a hand on Frank’s shoulder and gently shook him awake. “Gerard, no,” He sighed, defeatedly. “Close the blinds for fuck’s sake it’s too bright.”

“We should get going,” Gerard said pointedly to Frank. “It’s getting late.”

Neither boy moved. Mikey sighed, slightly irritated and yanked the bed covers off the two kids - cold biting at their feet. Frank glared at the elder boy in annoyance and reluctantly got off of the bed, taking Gerard with him.

* * *

Gerard looked at himself in the mirror. Dark brown hair, sad eyes, healing cuts on his arms. They were healing. He hadn’t hurt himself for a while. Well, a while being not since last night when Ray bandaged his arms again.

But they were healing. And he was kind of proud of himself for that.

“You’re still uncool.” He gently chuckled at his reflection. His voice was rough with sleep, wrapping his arms tightly around him, he cleaned his toothbrush and headed to his room to pull some clothes on.

“You’ll always be uncool,” he exhaled, but the anxiety wasn’t leaving. “And that’s ok.”

And for a second he had a sense of hope.

And for Gerard, a second was enough.

* * *

Frank had an oversized Misfits shirt hanging off his shoulders, a small smile on his face. When Gerard was happy, so was he. He was also proud of his mum.

Frank’s mother checked in ever so often. To Frank’s relief, while he’d been crashing at the Way’s she had flipped her life around. She was getting sober, thrown all the bottles out with the help of her (lovely) boyfriend. She had reassured Frank that he wouldn’t lay a finger on him unless in affection. Frank had met the guy once or twice, while he stuck close to Gerard going off what Gee said. So he seemed okay, Frankie didn’t get any bad vibes off him.

And the boy knew, that for the first time since they’d left New York - that his mother was happy.

* * *

The two had been “ill” for a week or so. Mikey had called in on their behalf, saying both were feverish and practically delirious from sleep deprivation. Ray agreed - knowing all too well that the boys had to take time off. But they had to go back now, it was only fair.

Gerard and Frankie’s phones had been buzzing with texts from Patrick and Pete all week, they hadn’t seen the two in what seemed like forever. Alex and Jack had gone away for the week to New York to sort out some ‘unfinished business’. Jack had ended up calling Frank in the middle of the night because Alex had panic attack after panic attack on the way there - the boy didn’t seem to be doing too well but subsequently denied anything was up.

The day they’d come home, Alex ran to their room, shut the door and cried himself to sleep. Jack, on the other hand, just lay on the sofa, not talking to anyone. Ray was worried about them, but tried not to pry for fear of annoying the boys. It’d been three days since then. Alex was still in his room. Jack wasn’t coming home until 3 am most days.

* * *

Frank knocked on Alex’s door. “Hey Lex, Gee and I are off now, just wanted to say bye,” There was no reply. “You alright in there?” He was worried now, Alex was usually never this quiet. Frank hesitantly opened the door. Alex was curled up on the bed, shaking and crying softly. His hair was knotted and ruffled and his eye was badly bruised. He didn’t look like the Alex Frank knew and loved.

Frank gently sat beside him. “What’s up?” Alex didn’t reply, simply wrapped his arms round Frank and shook his head, signalling he didn’t want to talk.

“I’ll see you when you get home, okay?” Alex’s voice was soft and raw.

“Absolutely.” Frank smiled, holding Alex close to his chest.

“Bye Frankie.” Alex whispered.

“Bye Lexy.”

* * *

Frank had no idea that Jack would run to Alex’s room and find him punching the wall. His knuckles were soaked red and he fell into his love’s embrace. His eyes were wet with tears and he kept punching and punching and punching until he collapsed, unconscious on the floor.

He kept repeating the same phrase over and over and over.

Alex’s father and family still blamed him for the death of his mother.

And he knew they were right.

Alex didn’t say anything. He was lost and he was terrified and he couldn’t feel Jack’s arms even though he knew he was with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is so crappy, struggling at the moment to really do anything :(


	34. (maybe no one knows my name)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>it's okay, you weren't to know<<
> 
> >>but i'm sorry lexy, i'm so sorry<<

**“there's an ache in my heart**

**and there's a burning in my eyes.**

**i could get a new start**

**but i'd rather learn not try.**

**i could find a new place”**

* * *

****“Jack?” Alex’s voice was soft.

“Hey Lexy,” Jack smiled sadly, holding his love close to his chest. Alex didn’t react to being held, he was still. “I need to know, what’s, what’s been going on with you?”  Alex looked away, he didn’t need Jack to worry about him. He didn’t want him to.

“Nothing’s going on Jack, I’m fine, really.”

“But babe,” Jack prayed his voice wouldn’t betray him. “You’re not.” He lifted Alex’s shaking, clenched fists and looked sadly at his bruised, bleeding knuckles. The shaking boy tried not to cry, not to scream. It wasn’t meant to be this way. It wasn’t meant to.

“I am, Jack, I am, I am, I-,” Alex scratched angrily at his raw skin. “I, I have to be.”

Jack practically felt his heart break in his chest. “Fuck no,” he laughed sadly. “You don’t have to be okay, Lex, you don’t.”

“I should be though, therapy was meant to fix me Jack, it was meant to fix me!” Alex was quieted by Jack shushing him. The smaller looked up, confusion in his brown eyes - brow furrowed.

“I need to talk to you about that Lex,” Jack knew he had made a mistake. He couldn’t get Alex’s episode out of his head. It had been months ago, but it felt like yesterday. “We should’ve listened to you when you said you wanted to stop going to the sessions, I know we shouldn’t have ignored you or told you to stop being such a drama queen. But we didn’t listen at all and I’m so so fucking sorry Lexy, so fucking sorry.”

“It’s okay, Jack,” Alex’s grin was fake and transparent. “It’s not your fault, really.”

“It messed you up, I know it did. Ri knows it did. Zack knows it did.” Jack ran a hand helplessly through his hair.

“You weren’t to know,” Alex said finally. “You weren’t to know what they said.”

* * *

It was impossible to get it out of his head. He knew that saying the help he was offered was anything but productive, he knew it was selfish. But how was it helpful to cry himself to sleep every session, how it was helpful to relapse because the conversations in those godforsaken walls broke his spirit, brought back so much bad and shit he had pushed away to the darker places of his mind.

How it was helpful to be worse than ever? How was it helpful to have panic attacks every Thursday on the train on the way to the room he hated so bad? How it was helpful that he found himself arguing with his father and friends about going when they thought it was helping but in reality it just made him sadder?

But it was fucking selfish. Stupid of him.

His therapist had shouted at him. Shouted that he was ‘broken’. That he was ‘traumatised’. That he ‘unstable’. They had threatened to tell his parents everything and Alex had practically begged.

But he pushed it all away - but he knew that everything would come back to haunt him later on - no matter how many poems he wrote, stories he half-finished, how many songs he blared.

Safe to say, therapy wasn’t for him. It was for some people; and he was beyond glad that it was for others. But not Alex.

* * *

Jack looked down at the boy curled up in his arms, pressing a gentle kiss to his temple, he watched his smile and laugh softly in his grip. “Jack, it really isn’t your fault, you know? Please believe me.”

The other nodded. “Okay,” He whispered. “I believe you Lexy.”

“I love you Barakat. I love you so much.”

“I love you too Alex,” Jack squeezed his boyfriend’s hands, chuckling. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: i am not bashing therapists - this just represents my experience with them. it wasn't the most helpful experience in the world but some of it helped. however most was negative. sorry i sound like such a bitch - it just hurt a lot.
> 
> if therapy helps you, then that's amazing - i'm so proud. i'm glad your therapist listens to you and understands.
> 
> and if it's not really helping then i understand. took a long time for my parents to finally listen to me after months of awful breakdowns and relapses and me walking out of school in anger.
> 
> but i stopped therapy and i'm a little better than i was before.
> 
> you're not alone. never were. never will be. <3
> 
> much love and hope to you all.
> 
> take care. <3


	35. run, run, bunny run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to relapse? to die? to live? 
> 
> to? to,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicide attempt, past self harm

**“everybody hide your body from the scarecrow** **  
** **everybody hide** **  
** **love, love, love won't stop this** **  
** **love, love, love won't stop this** **  
** **love, love, love won't stop this”**

* * *

 ****School had been an absolute blur. Frank had dropped by Pete’s house with Patrick to catch up with him. Gerard had used the excuse that he had homework. No, he didn’t.

Everything was too loud. Too bright. Too much. It was too much. Everyone was screaming for him to “fucking say something!” but how can he when the words don’t work and his voice is too quiet for anyone to hear and suicide is the only thing on his mind.

* * *

And so Gerard was alone again - in his room, snapping the rubber band on his wrist constantly until the skin was red raw. He could feel it under his skin, the urge for a release other than the one he had promised to use with his fingers crossed behind his back. Frank had told him to throw the blades away.

But he hadn’t.

* * *

And now the blade was gripped between his index finger and thumb and poised over the rivers on his forearms that hadn’t flowed in a long time.

To relapse?

To live?

To die?

To? To?

* * *

Almost everyday Gerard found himself at the same crossroads and it was taking a lot out of him. To relapse would mean more blood and hurt and secrets. To live would mean agony and pain and self-loathing but with the slightest probability of light. Because, maybe, he’d be okay.

To die would be to leave them all behind.

* * *

He wouldn’t be able to feel Frank’s arms around his waist again. He wouldn’t be able to hug Josh and Tyler and Joe close and laugh with them as they ran through the streets of New Jersey. He wouldn’t be. He wouldn’t be able to hear the click of his camera as he took a photograph. He wouldn’t be able to feel the cool air of winter on his face. He wouldn’t be able to see snow again. The sun would no longer shine on the boy because he would no longer exist.

He would be asleep forever. Oh, how he wanted to sleep forever so fucking badly. But he couldn’t hurt them like that. Not now, at least. Maybe later. Maybe soon. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

* * *

This was a moment of clarity, of light in the midst of all the horror and darkness and fear in his head. Then the same instincts that had kicked in when he had attempted to take his life for the first time, kicked in again. He slipped the blades back into the ornate box on his dresser, putting behind a couple of his favourite books.

And he didn’t relapse. And maybe it was selfish - but he was proud of himself for that.

He wanted to curl up on his empty bed, and wait for his everything to light up his world again. Because Frank would save him. He had to. He promised - you don’t break promises. But Gerard didn’t have the best track record - but he’d learnt to keep promises a while ago.

* * *

His phone pinged, it was Pete. Saying that they needed to catch up soon. That he’s missed him. That Gee meant a lot to him.

Gerard smiled. It was a proper smile.

 **“No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than** **  
** **These broken parts** **  
** **Pretend I'm something other than** **  
** **This mess that I am”**

 ****He was okay with pretending. Because, fuck, he knew he wasn’t okay. He knew that he wanted to die. He knew he was a nobody.

But he had to stick around for those who loved him. He didn’t wanna break their hearts. All he wanted to do was make people happy. All he wanted to do was make sure he didn’t hurt anyone.

 **"'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake** **  
** **Before I even turn the key** **  
** **Before I make the mistake** **  
** **Before I lead with the worst of me** **  
** **I never let them see the worst of me"**

There was so much darkness coating his worthless form. The shadows were louder than ever. But he pretended.

He pretended.

He hid himself away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs/lyrics:
> 
> s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w by my chemical romance  
> words fail from dear evan hansen
> 
> i hope you liked this chapter - writing it was cathartic. i nearly relapsed the other day, but i didn't so..
> 
> please stay alive. your fight has to mean something after all. <3


	36. i can’t remember the last time that i said goodbye (or that i even tried)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> joe thinks he messed up beyond repair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: alcoholism, past abuse, implied suicide attempt, suicidal tendencies/thoughts

**“i'm becoming afraid, it's already too late**

**i'm on my knees,**

**please help me stay alive**

**i hope this isn't my last night**

**as i lose my mind,**

**and try to save my life”**

* * *

****Gerard was collapsed on the sofa beside Mikey, the elder Way boy softly stroking his brother’s newly-dyed black hair. The dye had stained his hands and throat, and he smiled softly. “Liking the new colour, baby bro.”

Gerard’s phone buzzed, looking apologetically to his brother, he checked his notifications. When he saw what the message said, he felt the anxiety clouding around him.

* * *

 **_5:15pm: 420TROHMAN:_ ** _fuck gee i messed it up so badly_

 **_5:16pm:_ ** **_geebear-says-rawr_ ** **_changed his name to “geeway”_ **

**_5:16pm: geeway:_ ** _what’s going on joey wdym?_

**_5:17pm: 420TROMAN changed his name to “joey”_ **

**_5:18pm: joey:_ ** _i told andy to fuck off after he found the vodka i dont know why i did that fuckfuckfuck i’d be better off dead i ruined him like i ruined everything i’m so so so fucking sorry gee sorrysorrysorry_

 **_5:19pm: geeway:_ ** _joe joe nonono you’re not better off dead please i need you mate i fucking need you so badly_

 **_5:20pm: joey:_ ** _he was crying it’s all my fault gee please i don’t know how to fix it i don’t know anymore i can’t i can’t and i’m sorry_

 **_5:21pm: geeway:_ ** _please stop with the apologies you did nothing wrong xx about andy i’m sure he understands_

 **_5:22pm: joey:_ ** _there’s glass everywhere it hurts_

 **_5:23pm: joey:_ ** _he threw it at me whenhefounnd itt hee thrreww itt att mee_

 **_5:24pm: geeway:_ ** _who threw what joey what happened_

 **_5:25pm: joey:_ ** _he didnt mean too, i know, he promised, but he threw the bottle at me and it smashed at everything hurts and it’s bad and i’m scared_

 **_5:26pm: joey:_ ** _gee please i need you i’m sorry_

 **_5:27pm: geeway:_ ** _don’t apologise, it’s okay joey - i’ll be over asap_

 **_5:28pm: joey:_ ** _i just want the hurt to stop gee i’m scared and it hurts and i don’t know how to live anymore_

 **_5:29pm: geeway:_ ** _stay with me joe please don’t leave us <3 _

**_5:30pm: joey:_ ** _tttoooo muuucchhh rrred gee itttss bbaaaaddd badbadbadbadbad_

 **_5:30pm: geeway:_ ** _i’m on my way now please joey look to the stars, look at something. focus on it with all your might. please i beg of you <3 <3 <3 _

* * *

And Ray was driving at full speed to Joe’s house - he was crashing at Josh’s place but Josh and Ty were out for the evening. Gerard was composing a shaky text to Frank explaining what was going on and telling him to stay round at Pete’s for the night if he thought he’d be better there.

 **_5:45pm: geeway:_ ** _frank please stay at pete’s with trick, joe’s in trouble and i’m worried about him, stay over for the night please. i love you frankie <3 _

**_5:46pm: frnkxo:_ ** _geebear it’s okay i understand. give joe my hope and love. i’ll see you tomorrow gee, i love you too, always and forever <3 <3 _

**_5:47pm: geeway:_ ** _always and forever xx of course <3 _

* * *

Frank had asked Pete if he could crash at his for the night, after explaining what was going on Pete grinned sadly and whispered: “Of course Frankie.” But after Frank had said Joe’s name, Pete’s face had fallen, his eyes sadder than usual.

“You know Trohman?” Frank asked gently.

Pete nodded, licking his lips, nervous. “We go back a long, long time, Frankie. A long time.”

“What happened?”

* * *

The boy with the newly dyed blonde hair looked away, ashamed. “I pushed him away when he needed me the most,” trying to compose himself, he subsequently failed. “I met him when he was 4, I was 6 or something, I can’t remember.”

“Pete,” Frank pleaded. “What did you do?”

“I can’t get that night out of my head, it was, what, 7 years ago. He was 10,” Pete clenched his fists. “His mother had left them, Gerard didn’t know him then. Gee wouldn’t even dared to glance at Joe. The bruised, anxious boy with the dark eyes and thin lines coating his arms. His father on the other hand, beat Joe until he was on the brink of death. He was so close Frank, so fucking close.”

* * *

Patrick held Pete close, but in a haze of self hatred, he flinched away. “Trick, please, I don’t deserve your love after what I did.”

“Pete just tell us, please, we need to know.” Patrick whimpered.

And so Pete told them.

“Joe came to my place. He was barely able to move but he ran to my house. The moment he stepped through the door, he collapsed. And I gave him some warm clothes from my wardrobe, packed him a bag and… and I took him to a friend of mine. I took him to Joshy. Joshy who wasn’t looking for someone to look after. Joe was 10, Josh was 13. He was only a baby and I left him because I couldn’t be bothered to deal with him. I haven’t seen Josh in a while, not since Frank’s episode. But I saw Joe for the first time in 7 years and I broke his heart, he didn’t talk to me. And I couldn’t tell him I was sorry.”

* * *

And Frankie cried and Patrick held him tightly as he thrashed in his tight grip. Trick soothed him gently. “YOU LEFT HIM ALONE PETE! WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM, WHY?” He was screaming at the elder for an answer, for something.

“I, I don’t know why I did what I did Frankie. And I’m so fucking sorry.”

Patrick decided to speak, his voice shaky and slurred. “Pete, you- you should go and see Joe,” exhaling, he clenched and unclenched his fists. “Then maybe you can apologise to him. Not to us.”

Pete nodded soundlessly.

“Again, I’m sorry.”

Frank rolled his eyes, still hurt from what had happened. “Just go, Pete, fix what you broke.”


	37. if you're staring at the edge of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> >>what are you doing here?<<

**“but keep in mind that i'm a sore eye,** **  
** **with blurry vision but i can see,** **  
** **yeah it has to be you love,** **  
** **that i've been dreaming of.** **  
** **and if we climb this high,** **  
** **i swear we'll never die.”**

* * *

**** All he could see was red. He couldn’t hear anything, other than the rapid pounding of his heart in his too-fragile rib cage, in his empty chest

Joseph Trohman was collapsed against the wall of his bedroom, glass shards tinted with red surrounding him. His head was hung between his legs, hands pressed desperately to his ears. To shut the demons out. His curly hair, usually soft, was matted and knotted from the constant, self destructive yanking. His knuckles bruised from slamming his fists into the crumbling plaster of his wall.

He knew no one was there, so was there even any point in talking?

Yes, there was. Even the sound of his voice in the midst of such roaring static could bring him back for a moment. But his voice was broken, it was weak. “Where are you Gee?” He chuckled darkly, if Josh was here, he’d tell him that ‘talking to yourself is the first sign of madness’. He didn’t need to be told, he knew he already was after all. 

“I’m here Joey, I’m here now.”

* * *

Pete had no idea how bad life had treated Joe over the past 10 years. He was surprised he still knew the route to the Dun’s house from his own. Joe looked so lonely. His eyes were closed, chest heaving. The glass shards surrounding him made lines on his pale skin. 

Then Joe opened his eyes and cried. His voice was raspy from misuse, maybe he’d been screaming at whoever left him alone.

“What the hell are you doing here?” It was meant to sound angry, meant to make Pete leave, meant to get Pete the fuck away from him. But his voice betrayed him and the question hung in the air, weighing both boys down. 

“I’m here… to apologise.” Pete was careful, stuffing his trembling hands into the pockets of his jeans. 

“You left me, Wentz. You fucking abandoned me? After everything we went through?” The elder boy’s heart broke, the words that Joe spoke sounded so empty, the venom wasn’t there. 

“I’m sorry, Joe, I’m so fucking sorry,” Pete pleaded, kneeling down beside to move the sharp glass from his whimpering figure. “I’m here now.”

* * *

Joe’s cries grew louder, more frantic and he curled into himself, the glass digging deeper, making his skin burn. The tears were salty, his eyes were devoid of emotion, he was crying and he didn’t know why, he didn’t know why. The silence was an awkward one, Joe had always despised silence, it reminded him of the moments he got home, the moments of safety before everything went to hell once more and he woke up in a pool of his own blood. Beaten black and blue by his father’s hands.

He looked over to the boy with glass in his hands. “You apologise too much, Wentz, I see not much has changed.” He laughed sadly. 

“Yeah,” Pete’s voice was quiet. “I suppose you’re right.”

* * *

“Pete,” Joe whispered. “I’m not angry, I don’t hate you at all for what you did, seriously. It made me think there was something wrong with me? That’s all. Pete, I never hated you, never.” 

The other boy looked over to the broken one. He looked as if he was about to say something.

Joe shook his head. “Please, you don’t need to say anything,” He looked up at him. “Can you just hold me, until the others arrive?”    
  
Pete nodded and held the boy he had left behind tighter than ever, making up for the time he had lost. 

And they waited for the others to arrive.


	38. i see myself there waiting by the roadside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> perchance to dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt

**“laid claim to nothing but a black bag**

**and the attire i stand in**

**no name, no history**

**just a target on my temple**

**and a hole in my head”**

* * *

****_To quote the genius, Shakespeare: to die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream_

_i could apologise forever... and i’m sorry, i love you all so so much._

_joe xx_

* * *

That was the last line of a drafted, crumpled, suicide note written by Joe Trohman; Pete laughed sadly. “Mate, that’s Shakespeare.” Joe looked over, his head hung in shame, voice quiet. He nodded, avoiding eye contact.

“I’m sorry.” Joe’s voice was a whisper.

* * *

_This is not your fault, it’s all me. I’ve felt so bad for so so long - too long. I felt like I could never be happy again i don’t know - felt like I didn’t deserve to because I’m trying, I tried but i was never enough so,_

_Why would my fucking DESPERATE attempts of reaching for anything, for something but this permanent, seemingly forever sadness mean anything at all? When the person who was reaching for it meant nothing anyways._

_I’m a very forgettable person, let’s be honest here._

* * *

Pete’s eyes scanned the scrawled words, the blue of the ink, bright in contrast to the poems hastily written in black ink on the surrounding pages. Maybe this page was meant to stand out because it would be the last thing he would ever say. “Joe,” Pete’s voice was gentle, he didn’t want to scare away the boy he had ruined so long ago.

“You are enough, though, you always were.”

“I’m not Wentz,” He spoke quietly, in full belief that he could never be enough. “I’m really, really not.” Why would Pete lie to him like that, after everything?

* * *

Pete sighed sadly, “Thoughts like that were what led me to the hospital, Trohman. You’re fucking enough to me, to all of us. Fuck what anyone else thinks. Fuck them.” Joe was silent, he couldn’t speak. The words weren’t working and he wanted to scream, he wanted to bleed all the hurt away, he WANTED TO FUCKING die. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to sleep forever.

Like the other night, he couldn’t sleep, why? His corkboard of all things. He’d rearranged it earlier on so it was tidier - there were less pictures etc, it was more geometric. It was neat and put together and tidy. A polar opposite to its owner. The fact it was there, and he still doesn’t know why. He probably was overthinking and the corkboard was a catalyst for everything that had happened recently.

* * *

**Lay your guns down let me die**

His anxiety was awful, still was. He couldn’t sleep, he wanted to sleep, to leave everything behind temporarily that he was reduced to a sobbing kid curled into a fetal position on his tear streaked bed.

**I walk this road alone**

**No thanks to you**

**I walk this road alone**

**No thanks to you**

**No thanks to**

* * *

****He can’t remember what time he finally fell asleep, insomnia was growing worse. He laughed brokenly. “Do, do you know when they’re getting here?” Joe stuttered, cursing his voice and the anxiety which seemed to be getting worse day by goddamn day.

“No, but they’ll be here soon,” Pete whispered. “You should text Josh maybe.”

Joe nodded soundlessly, he knew he should talk more - he just didn’t know how to.

 **_6:13pm: joey:_ ** _i’m so sorry, do you think you can come home, please? <3 _

**_6:13pm: kitten-dun changed his name to josh_ **

**_6:14pm: josh:_ ** _of course joey i’ll be there in a few_

 ** _6:14pm: josh:_ ** _stay with me kid xx_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also the extracts of joe's note are from my own. what even is this chapter?
> 
> i'm sorry xx
> 
> thanks for sticking with your unstable mess of an author, it means so so much to me
> 
> i love you all <3


	39. starry, starry night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and they were okay. okay enough at least.
> 
> trigger warning// past self harm, overthinking, implied suicide attempt.   
> please stay safe |-/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for OohYayChicken <3 <3 (i've got you forever and i'll never let go)

******“paint your palette blue and grey**

**look out on a summer’s day**

**with eyes that know the**

**darkness in my soul”**

* * *

****Joe was crying, Pete had taken a step away because deep down, he knew that all of this shit was his fault. He left Joe, he abandoned him, he gave up on him when the broken boy had fucking needed him. The kid had every right to hate him. Pete had seen the cigarette burns coating his forearms, he hadn’t realised that what his parents had done to him hadn’t healed physically. He hated seeing Joe cry, it broke his heart.

Josh and Tyler would be back soon, it’d been years since he’d last stroked Josh’s fluffy dyed hair, he’d missed them more than he liked to admit. They probably hated him after all he had done to Gee. He’d missed the way the two boys loved each other, their eyes were full of light and euphoria and joy. It was the same something Pete had with Patrick. And, hell, he was grateful for the boy who loved him when everyone else hated him, and they had every right to in his opinion.

They could, no, they would save the boy who was falling to pieces as Pete averted his eyes, not wanting to cause any more damage than he already had. And then Joe raised puffy eyes from his too-bright phone screen, his voice relieved and light.

“They’re home.”

* * *

Josh ran through the door, feeling Tyler’s hand slip from his own as he went to the kid who needed him. His face fell as he saw Pete Wentz of all people on his parent’s sofa. Josh felt Tyler stop beside him, equally shocked. Josh was the first to break the silence, which was already tense because of Joe’s hurting whimpers. “What the fuck are you doing here Pete?”

Pete was speechless, he voice shook. “I- I can explain-” Joe stood up on trembling legs, swaying as Pete went to his side and pressed cloths to the open wounds coating his forearms.

“Pete doesn’t, he doesn’t need to explain himself-” Joe closed his eyes, brain fuzzy. “He, he, he came here to, to apologise and he apologised. He said sorry. He came when no one else did on time. If it weren’t for him...” Joe was stuttering, his words blurring and slurring together as he reached for someone to keep him from fainting.

* * *

Gerard was trying not to cry, the fucking snow had caused a traffic jam - on today of all days, it’d come out of nowhere. Gerard and Mikey had loved snow growing up, but right now, the younger hated it. Joe could be dying and it would be all his fucking fault. He snapped the rubber band against his wrist constantly, seeing the red patches flare up in place of used to be a red line. He was about three days clean. Still fucking unstable, but he knew the lines broke Ray’s heart so he kept his blades hidden from himself.

“Ray?” Gerard’s voice was quiet, he didn’t talk much anymore. “Are we nearly there?” Mikey made eye contact with his baby brother in the mirror and nodded.

* * *

Josh held the shaking boy close, running long, calloused fingers through Joe’s curly hair. “It’s okay, my love, I’ve got you, I’ve got you and I’ll never let you go.”

Joe flinched away from Josh’s touch at first, before curling up closer to the older boy who was like the father he had never had. Or the father who gave a fuck. “It hurts, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-” The elder lay a finger over his lips, shushing him gently as he rocked him from side to side as if he were a child being comforted to sleep, Tyler’s soft voice with Josh’s arms was the lullaby that made him drift off.

“Don’t you dare apologise to me.” Josh’s voice was gentle. “I love you Joey, so fucking much.”

“I love you too Josh, I love you,” and Joe closed his eyes, smiling for the first time in ages. “I love you too.” He slept for as long as he could before the demons came back; but that was enough. The clock read 6:30pm. It’d been at least a hour since Joe had texted Gerard, and he still hadn’t arrived.

But Joe was alive, because that was all that mattered to the boys who had hurt and were hurting and were fucking breathing. That was all that mattered to them.

* * *

Gerard ran into Josh’s house, crying his eyes out. He skidded into the sitting room, and he could breathe again. Joe was curled up in Josh’s arms as the elder was collapsed on the couch, stroking the sleeping boy’s hair. “Hey Gee,” Tyler smiled sadly. “It’s okay now, he’s okay, it’s okay.”

Gee couldn’t focus on what Tyler was saying, his brain was buzzing with static and he knew that this was all his fault, if he had come earlier, if he had fucking done something then none of this would’ve happened.

Pete’s brow was furrowed. “Gerard, you alright there mate?”

“I’m-It’s all my fault I should’ve fucking done something! I should’ve done something!”

And then Gerard was crying again and he was fucking  **overwhelmed**  with **guilt**  because he was  **selfish**  for crying when Joe needed him and he was selfish to want to die and he was nobody and he was nothing... and he couldn’t fucking breathe-- and everything was--

And then Pete held the swaying boy close. “Gerard, Gee, Gee nonono it’s not your fault, it’s okay, it’s okay, Joe’s okay, we’re okay Gee. Please stay with me, stay with me mate.” Then Gee’s vision cleared and he could breathe again.

And they were okay. Okay enough at least.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey,, i'm back,, i hope you all enjoyed this chapter. i didn't write this for the longest time because unfortunately i relapsed (and as Gee is clean i couldn't lie to myself like that) but i'm a week clean so that's good. i hope you're all still with me. updates will be unreliable (as tagged because school etc.) but your patience means everything
> 
> i love you all <3 <3


	40. we bloom until we ache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> andy kissed his joey all better, and the heavens gave way and raged and screamed upon the breaking boys, taking shelter in each other, lighting candles of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey it's me. 
> 
> been a while, im so sorry. shit went down and still is, getting kinda worse again.  
> hmm but im doing ok ig
> 
> i hope you're all still with me xx

**“when u called me**

**i became ur flower**

**as if we were waiting”**

* * *

****Andy looked at the mess of curly hair on his chest, running fingers calloused from hours upon hours of drumming gently through it, being careful not to pull nor yank. Joe’s hair was a soft, chocolate brown, the redheaded boy giggled, pressing gentle kisses to his boyfriend’s tear stained cheeks.

Andy had made such a mess, he hadn’t meant to hurt Joe how he did, hell he couldn’t even remember. All he remembered was blood and glass and apologies and cries of pain. When he’d gotten to Josh’s house, the usually friendly boy looked at him with a hint of rage in his eyes, they’d argued softly, Andy’s knuckles sore and red from colliding with a creaky wooden door, flushed with blood and guilt.

When Joe had seen Andy he’d burst into tears and ran right into him, making the drummer’s body collide with the sharp edge of the cupboard, inhaling and the pain, Joe looked up at Andy from his head over his heart, pressing gentle kisses to the ginger boy’s cheeks.

The two boys cried and cried, hurting and loving and protecting.

After what felt like forever, Andy whispered a soft i love you and Joe yawned it back, and they fell asleep at 3am that night, hearts mending, hearts beating, hands holding.

* * *

The doorbell rang, breaking the gentle, safe silence. The rain was loud, thunder crashing, lightning painting the sky with ice white blood, giving the clouds and heavens life to rage upon the broken, lost teens sheltered below. 

Patrick’s thin denim jacket was fucking useless in this weather, he shivered, checking the time with shaking hands. His phone read 3:40am, he was scared to see how his boyfriend would react, especially after how harsh Trick had been earlier on, but in a way it had been justifiable due to the situation. He paced on the old doormat, the material crunched under the soles of his well-loved, perpetually muddy sneakers. 

After what felt like decades, because time had always moved excruciatingly slowly for Patrick, the door opened.

* * *

When Pete had heard the doorbell, he’d muttered a flood of expletives, worrying about waking up the two healing, sleeping boys curled up on Josh’s sofa. His eyes were darkened with anger at himself, anger for failing Joe, but they were softer than usual. With a hopeful undertone, one might say. (Tyler said that nearly all the time aw). Softer because Joe had forgiven him, softer because Joe bloody Trohman was healing and the boy was doing alright. He had a brilliant boyfriend, and even both kids messed up sometimes, they were undoubtedly very much in love. 

His hair was a mess, he raked sore fingers through it, there was no point in making himself presentable at such an early hour, but Pete had learnt to prepare for even the most unlikely of situations. Where was Patrick? He knew his boyfriend was mad at him, but he was bloody hyperventilating?   


What if his dad had done something and Patrick was sobbing in his bedroom, bleeding alone and terrified? What if he’d gotten lost in the forests he loved to walk in because it was so late? What if he had fallen out of a tree and broken his arm like the lad in Dear Evan Hansen or whatever? Whatifwhatifwhatif-

His scared thoughts came to a sudden halt, when he heard a soft voice from behind Josh’s front door. 

It was Trick, and bloody hell had Pete missed him, he had so much to say.

* * *

Patrick started crying the moment Pete nervously opened the front door, he was fucking soaked from the rain and he was shaking and he had a bruise just under his eye that caused Pete’s heart to pulse with fury.

“I’m sorry Petey I’m so sorryimsorryimsorry.” And his baby boy was apologising and sobbing brokenly into his boyfriend’s chest and Pete was stroking Patrick’s soft freshly dyed blonde hair and he was whispering soft its okays and he gently carried him upstairs to the guest room, all the while Patrick hurt in the arms of the boy his parents hated him loving. 

The slightly shorter boy was curled up under the duvet, gripping the Baymax stuffie he’d chucked into his lightly-packed rucksack at the last minute. He shook, cold from the weather, curling up close to Pete’s warm body. He sneezed and Pete couldn’t help but coo, stroking his Trick’s cheeks and pressing gentle kisses to his eyes, making them less red and agitated from all the crying.

Patrick coughed, his throat sore from all the talking and well, weeping. The other boy handed him a glass of cool water and Patrick swallowed the antidote in three quick gulps, wiping his chin with the back of his hand and snuggling up as close as was physically possible. 

His eyes closed and he mumbled a sleepy “i love you” to the boy who saved his everything. And Pete watched his sleeping baby boy, kissing his lips and he said those four words. 

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos much appreciated, take care of urself guys
> 
> much love xx
> 
> also hi yes the chapter title is from spring day and maybe follow my fanfic tumblr if u wanna. it’s withinmyown-head

**Author's Note:**

> as always my friends, never forget how much you matter to everyone around you and just how important you are. i mean it.
> 
> stay safe loves and take care of yourselves.
> 
> you have the strength to make it through today, through tonight and through all the other days ahead.
> 
> stay alive |-/ love you all <3 <3 <3


End file.
